0.02% Light. -To the me who will keep living, unfinished-

-Having been told 'you're so put-together' over and over, I became a person who was just put-together.

-Because I am nobody, I can become somebody.

-I will make the path I chose the right one.

Prologue

2:00 AM.

I have to write this.
I want to leave it behind.
I don't want to forget.
This kind of impulse is a first for me.

That choice wasn't a mistake.
I still think so even now.

This isn't a declaration of resolve.
It's just,
an unfinished record of a certain girl.

But surely, that night will be my beginning.

That night, for the first time,
I chose my own path,
by my own will.

Chapter 1: I was afraid of being hated

I was 'someone who was good at being a good girl'.

The second daughter in a family of five.
I feel like I've been the one balancing things since I was old enough to remember.

This was true outside of my family as well.

If there was something someone didn't want to do, I did it.
Because I thought things would go better that way.

That applied not just to my actions,
but to my choice of words as well.

Reading the room,
choosing words that wouldn't hurt a single person there,
behaving so that no one would get hurt.

It was natural for me to swallow my words first.
That was my normal.

Repeating them over and over in my head,
and only after being certain that no one would be hurt,
would I finally let them out.

I kept choosing the version of myself
that fit the situation.

That's why, wherever I went, I could to some extent
blend into the circle.

But because of that,
I would often stay silent instead.

The tempo of my conversation would be out of sync with everyone else.

I knew that
better than anyone.

But I didn't want to be hated.

Because I felt that if I were hated,
the reason for me to be here
would disappear.

This wasn't kindness or anything like that,
it might have been a survival strategy.

I had always been searching for
the 'reason I was allowed to be' in that place.

Chapter 2: I thought if I didn't win, I shouldn't be here

A club I joined in junior high.

I was weak.

I wasn't athletic.
I had no talent.
I had no presence.

Balls would fly toward me, making me a target.

I was laughed at.
I was ostracized.
I felt alone.

I was scared.
I wanted to run away.

But more than that, I was frustrated.

Being bullied because I couldn't do something.
Being seen as just the 'me' who hadn't accomplished anything yet.

If I stayed like this, I would end up hating myself.

I didn't want to end up like that.

So I decided.
I would definitely make them regret it by showing results.

From then on, I practiced more than anyone else.

While getting scorched under the sun,
I pushed myself, and pushed myself, and pushed myself.

One day, I tore a muscle and couldn't participate in club activities.

But every day,
I kept going to the practice field, both for morning practice and after school.

At the time,
I think I said things like
I didn't want to let my body get lazy, or
I didn't want to take a break just because I was injured.

But thinking back now,
it was because I was afraid that by taking a break,
my 'place' in the club would disappear.
Even though, in the first place, such a thing

never really existed.
I wanted to practice even one more time than others.

I wanted to get results quickly.
Because I felt that if I won,

I could believe that I was allowed to be here.
If I lose,
it's fine if I disappear.
That's how I thought.

Because that was the only way

I knew how to measure my own value.

Chapter 3: I thought if I was put-together, it would be okay

From the outside,
I think it looked like smooth sailing.

I was a runner-up in a national competition for my extracurriculars.
In my club, I went from a beginner to winning the district tournament and competing in the regional tournament.
For high school and university entrance exams, I received many opportunities through recommendations and went from a prefectural high school to a national university.

Living on my own,
my grades at university, extracurricular activities, volunteering,
my first part-time job, and long-term internships—
I did everything I possibly could.

And what I did
did indeed bear fruit.

But that wasn't because 'I chose the right path'.
It was because, in each situation, I had no choice but to produce results.

I just acted in a way

that would make me believe what I did
was the right choice.
That's why the

'You're amazing' and 'You're so put-together' from those around me
sounded like they were coming from somewhere far away.
It wasn't because I wanted to.

I did it because I had to.
It wasn't easy.

It was painful, it was agonizing, I wanted to quit.

I overcame it by telling myself

that this time would definitely come to an end.
I was a national runner-up.

But before any joy, what came to mind was

'I couldn't win the championship...'
I know I'm not perfect.

Just an unfinished girl you can find anywhere.

But maybe, just maybe...

Maybe I, too,
have the value to be there.
So,

it's still not enough, still not enough, still not enough.
If I quit now,

I would become someone whose presence or absence didn't matter.
Thinking that, I was afraid to stop.

Because I felt that if I stopped, I would collapse.

I felt that I would break.
So, I couldn't stop.

But every time I did that, my heart was chipped away little by little.

Before I knew it,

I felt like I was constantly
locked inside a pitch-black box.

Chapter 4: I thought if I endured, I wouldn't be hated

I thought it would be fine if I just endured it.

I thought if I wasn't hated,
I could stay here.

But I realized.

That in exchange for not being hated,
I was disappearing.

Even so, I pretended not to notice.

Because I felt that if I noticed,
I wouldn't be able to go back.

In the midst of that,
a small yet significant presence
that found me: a rescue cat.

I don't have to do anything.
I don't have to produce results.

Just, cherish it, cherish it.

Just by being there,
it is gentle, precious, and warm.

That presence gave me
the 'place that only I could have' that I had always wanted.

Sensible, a good child, easy to raise.

For some reason, I felt like I overlapped with it.

So I told it many times.

It's okay to be selfish.
It's okay to act out.
It's okay to be naughty.

The words I wanted to hear,
I told it with all my might.

Chapter 5: I didn't know anything about myself

Classes, extracurricular activities,
part-time jobs, internships, and life.

I handled everything 'properly' in my own way,
aiming for at least average,
doing the bare minimum.

Thinking about it now,
I don't even know what average is.

But I had done enough to say I did it properly,
so I thought I would get accepted somewhere.
That's how I started job hunting.

February of my sophomore year in college.

I started self-analysis for job hunting.

A time when people around me say it's early.

I take longer than others,
and I get anxious if I don't do it.

So I stood at the starting line early.

Even while doing self-analysis,
I went through every day as usual.

And yet,
I kept getting rejected until November of my junior year.

Every time a rejection email arrived,
I felt like I was being denied.

It was frustrating.
I didn't know why I was being rejected.

I wouldn't quit easily, and I would always try my best.

But before I knew it,
there were even times when opening rejection emails
didn't hurt anymore.

The reason was,
because my heart knew.

I wasn't trying to understand myself properly.
I was running away from the self I didn't want to accept.

What do I want to do?
What do I value?

What do I want to become?
Whenever I tried to put any of these into words,
I felt suffocated.

Actually,
it wasn't that I didn't know.
I just hadn't tried to know.

I just didn't want to know.
A past I didn't want to face.

Feelings I didn't want to put into words.
The fear of facing my weak self.

Everything I had tried not to see
was all there.
Because if I acted properly,

I could avoid touching that part of myself.
Because if I produced results,

I was forgiven without thinking too deeply.
Because I could run away.

But job hunting was different.
'What do you want to do?'

I couldn't run away from that question.

I tried to speak well.
I lined up words that sounded like the right answer.
I looked for answers that would be evaluated.
I kept speaking beautiful words.

But,
to the adults who were facing many students,
nothing was conveyed.

Only the words were floating.

There was no substance.

As long as I am running away from myself,
I will never be chosen by anyone.

Even so, I was scared,
and I couldn't face myself.

So I was always on the side of being chosen.

Chapter 6: Relationships with people

I felt scared of interacting with the same person
for a long period of time.

Because I'm scared of being known.

Because if they see my true self that comes out in a sudden moment,
they might hate me.

If they see the weak and useless me,
they will surely be disappointed.

Because I was scared of being bored of me
after they truly knew me.

Because I thought that even if it was good at first,
people would eventually leave in the end.

So, I ran away.

I kept my distance before they could step into my heart.
I left before I could fully like them.
I ended things before knowing them deeply.

So with people,
it's fun in the moment.

But it doesn't become a deep relationship.

I had become good at maintaining
that 'just right distance'.
But that was just running away

from facing people.

Because being 'left after knowing the real me'

was much scarier than being hated from the start.

So I ended things before I could be known.
If I ended it myself,

I could process the reason for being hurt within myself.
But,

that wasn't strength at all.
I was just letting go myself

before I could lose them.
Actually, I had always wanted

someone to truly know me.
The things I was happy about.

The things I was frustrated about.
The weakness I couldn't put into words.
My good points.
My bad points.
Including everything, I wanted them to say,

'It's okay for you to be you.'
But I thought I shouldn't ask that of anyone.

So I kept my distance from people.
So as not to expect anything from anyone.

So as not to get hurt.

That's how I protected myself.

Chapter 7: 0.02% of Light

One night like that.

Even now, when I remember it,
my breathing gets a little shallow.

It was just one night,
but now it feels a bit surreal.

It even feels like I had wandered into
another world.

Even so,
only the details remain strangely vivid.

The weight of the air.
The way the voice resonated.
The way the expressions wavered.
The silence of that place.
And the temperature of my own emotions.

Everything,
still remains somewhere in my body.

That night,
I was next to someone.

Physically, it was right beside me.
I was at a distance where I could reach them if I stretched out my hand.

And yet,
they were hopelessly far away.

It wasn't about distance,
it was about how we lived.

That person seemed like the 'ideal human'
I had been looking for all along.
Someone who lives properly.

Someone who knows suffering.
Someone who still moves forward.
Someone who truly faces others.
Someone who chooses their own life themselves.
I had always wanted to be

that kind of person.
But at the same time,

somewhere, I thought such a person didn't exist.
By thinking that,

maybe I was protecting myself.
If they don't exist, I don't have to admire them.

If I don't admire them, I won't feel painful.
But that night,

that crumbled.
That person,

certainly existed.
And they weren't someone from a completely different world.

That person was on the extension of the path I had walked so far.

A life of 21 years.
The time when I could only acknowledge myself through results.

No matter what grades I achieved,

the feeling that it was still not enough.

The days I kept running
because I was scared of stopping.

The time I spent running away from facing myself
after failing repeatedly in job hunting.

Beyond all of that,
that person was there.

So,
I couldn't look away,

my body, my head, my heart.
While listening to that person's story,
I was constantly rebelling inside myself.

I thought that way of living was just empty words.
I thought it was something only special people could do.

I thought it was because they had talent.
But at the same time, I realized.
What I really wanted to deny

was not that person.

It was myself, who somewhere
wished for a way of life like that person's.

I felt envy and frustration at the same time
toward that person.

Because that person
spoke about their life as if they enjoyed it.

Because they seemed to believe in their choices.
Because I felt something other than just hesitation in the act of living itself.
At that moment,
I clearly understood.

That I had never thought I liked
my own life.

The me until now,
was not satisfied even if I achieved something.

Even if I produced results, I worried about the next lack.
Even if I was praised, I immediately looked for the next thing.
The moment it ended, I was already looking at what was missing.
I had always lived 'to become better'.
But behind that,

I had no sense of having tasted my own life.

I had always,
lived for security.

To not fail.
To not be hated.

To not make mistakes.
To not lose the reason why I am allowed to be here.
As a result,
life was always an 'object of evaluation'.

It was not something to enjoy,
but something to prove correctness.

That person,
did not evaluate me.

Not what I achieved.
Not which university I was from.
Not what kind of results I had produced.

They weren't just looking at that.

They didn't see me as a set of conditions.

They just,
looked at me.

That was all.

But,
that was enough.
It was more than enough.

At that moment,
the emotions that had stopped began to move.

I had always,
lived to be acknowledged.
To produce results.
To prove my value.
To create a reason to be here.

But at that time,
I thought for the first time.

Ah.
Even though I was trying hard to live,
maybe I wasn't living my life.

21 years.

I had always,
kept choosing the safe path.

That night,
that premise crumbled.

That person said,

'Life is all a process until you die,
it is not for the sake of correct answers or success, but to enjoy the encounters and changes themselves in that process.'

I didn't understand the meaning of those words
immediately.

But,
I had a feeling that something was quietly crumbling inside me.

I realized.

That there is a big difference
in the way of living itself.

Not just in ability or environment,
but that there is a difference in the way the world is seen.

And that,
felt hopelessly frustrating.

It was a kind of frustration I felt for the first time in my life.

It wasn't losing a match.
It wasn't an entrance exam result.
It wasn't a comparison with someone else.

It was a defeat at a much deeper root.

Even so,
I didn't want to look away.

Rather,
I ended up wanting to know more.

The world that person is seeing.
The premises that person believes in.
The feeling that person lives with as a matter of course.

At that time, that person said,

'Being anxious is proof that you are challenging yourself'

Those words still remain strongly with me.

I had always lived to erase anxiety.
I thought anxiety was a sign of failure.

But that night,
a different perspective was born for the first time.

Anxiety might be
proof that you are in the middle of a challenge.
At that moment,

my state looked a little different.
Scared.

Anxious.
Wavering.
That is not proof that I have stopped,

but maybe I am in the middle of moving forward.
That night,

I had seen it.
0.02% of light.

It wasn't something certain.

There was no guarantee,

and its shape was vague.
Even so,

for some reason, it was beautiful.
For me, who had lived in 99.98% of security,

it was a foreign object.
But at the same time,

it was the first time I saw it
as a 'possibility of another world'.
I was scared.

And yet,

I felt like the future had moved just a little.
And at that time, I thought for the first time.

I want to choose this life,

myself.

Chapter 8: Even so, I wanted to choose

Since that day,
it's not that the world has changed.

Life goes on,
and daily life doesn't change at all.

But,
only the way I see things has changed.

The future began to exist not as 'something to prepare for',
but as 'something not yet known'.

I had never believed in the future.
I thought expecting things was dangerous.

Because the possibility of losing
was more realistic.

So,
by not expecting,
I protected myself.

So that it would be okay even if I didn't become anyone.

But, in that way of protecting myself,
there was one thing I had lost.

That was,
the sense of feeling life itself.

Since that night,
that has returned just a little.

There is anxiety.
There is also fear.

Even so,
a little bit of excitement mixes in.

That feeling,
I couldn't even believe it myself.

Even now, I am nobody.

Unfinished,
and I have no certainty at all.

Even so,
I am moving forward.

And that fact alone,
is becoming a great salvation.

What the '0.02% of light' I saw that night
was,
I still haven't reached a certainty.

But,
the me who saw it
can no longer go back to how I was.

So I will keep choosing today as well.

Not by correctness,
but by my own senses.

Including the fear,
while remaining unfinished,
to live strongly.

Final Chapter: Even so, I reached out my hand

I am still
afraid.

I think I will probably
stay afraid forever.

Losing things.
Having expectations.
Trusting someone.
Trusting myself.

Everything is scary.

Until that night, I
was looking for a place where I wouldn't be afraid.

Choices that wouldn't hurt me.
Paths that wouldn't lead to mistakes.
Safe, correct answers.

I thought that if I only chose those things,
I could get by in life.

But it's different now.

I no longer want to erase the fear.

Because being afraid means
that I hold something dear.

Because feeling anxious means
that I haven't given up yet.

I have come to feel that I
don't want to erase those emotions.

And, I have come to
want to keep living.

I am full of contradictions.

I want to get closer, yet I want to pull away.
I want to believe, yet I doubt.
I want to move forward, yet I want to stop.

Even so,
that is who I am right now.

The me from before used to think

that I should get everything in order before moving forward.

But that was wrong.
I waver because I move forward.
I get lost because I move forward.
I feel anxious because I move forward.

I am still nobody.

But,
even so, I am moving forward.

That night,
I saw 0.02% of light.

With no guarantees,
with no form,
it was still something that was definitely there.

I saw it, and now I can't look away.

So, I can't go back anymore.

I think I will reach out my hand again.

I don't know if I will reach it.

Even so,
I will reach out.

I think that is what it's all about.

Seeing the light,
getting scared,
getting lost,
and still moving forward again.

That is why I will
keep living while remaining incomplete.

To make the path I chose
the right one.

Afterword

As I wrote in the prologue.
This is not just a declaration of determination.

It is the incomplete record of
a girl who could be anyone.

But surely, that night
will be my beginning.

Will I live as the 99.98%?
Or will I reach out for the 0.02%?

I chose the 0.02%.

Remaining the incomplete me,
I will move forward through this life.

In this world where the future is unseen,
I will create my own correct answer.

Seeking the day when I, who am nobody,
can become someone.

But surely, this
might not just be my story.

If you, who are reading this,
are standing still somewhere right now.
If you are living while feeling some sense of unease.

I want you to try reaching out your hand
just a little toward the 0.02%.

The one who chooses
is always yourself.

No matter what the choice is,
the one who can make it the right one
is you yourself.

May the "light" that is yours alone
always continue to shine
on your path.