[Unfulfilled Attachment Needs] How to Deal with Feelings for 'Love' That Can No Longer Be Realized
I have an acquaintance who is generally referred to as someone who grew up with 'toxic parents'.
I don't know the specific details, but what I do know is:
That they always wanted to be loved and acknowledged by their parents, especially their mother
That eventually, their mother developed dementia, making normal communication itself impossible
That, combined with their original mixed feelings of love and hate toward their mother and the hardship of caregiving, they even thought, 'I wish she would die soon'
That in the end, their mother passed away without them ever truly connecting
and so on.
Currently, my acquaintance has a loving partner and children, and from the outside, they seem to live without any lack.
However, their heart is always like a storm.
The strongest emotion in their heart seems to be the desire to be acknowledged and loved by their mother, and the despair that it will never be fulfilled because their mother is no longer in this world.
It is painful to watch, knowing that even receiving unconditional love from their spouse and children cannot fill that void.
How should people face such 'desires that can never be fulfilled' or 'love that is craved but cannot be obtained'?
I think my acquaintance's case is in a state close to what is called 'unfulfilled attachment needs' in psychology.
The desire for approval and affection from parents is a need so vital to a child's survival that if it is cut off midway, it does not disappear even as time passes.
Moreover, in this case, the 'opportunity for repair itself' was completely lost due to the progression of dementia followed by death.
I think these are quite harsh conditions.
However, people can still recover.
■ 'Filling it with someone else' basically fails
It is actually natural that it cannot be filled even if one is loved by a spouse or child.
This is because that need is tied to the 'relationship with a specific person, the mother'.
A common misunderstanding here is
'You should just look at the love you have now'
but that is 'something on a different shelf,' so it does not fill the same hole.
■ The key to recovery is 'not ending the relationship'
It is a bit paradoxical, but even if the other person has passed away, you do not have to end the psychological relationship.
Rather, what is effective is
Having a dialogue with your mother in your heart
Writing letters (on the premise that no reply will come)
Putting into words yourself the things you 'actually wanted her to say'
These kinds of actions.
This is not fantasy; it is a method actually used in grief care and trauma therapy to 'complete unfinished interactions'.
■ Specify 'what you wanted'
The words 'I wanted to be loved' or 'I wanted to be acknowledged' are abstract, but recovery requires taking them a step further into specificity.
In what situations, and what words did you want to hear?
What kind of attitude did you want them to show?
What part of yourself did you want them to see?
By breaking this down in detail, you can actually see the 'experiences you wanted'.
Some of these can be obtained in other forms even now.
However, this is not a 'substitute,' but an 'experience of reconstructing it yourself'.
■ 'Loving yourself' is half correct and half insufficient
It is a common saying, but in this case, it is not enough on its own.
This is because what this person is seeking is not
'for me to acknowledge myself,' but 'to be acknowledged by another (the mother).'.
However, it is not completely meaningless; to be precise, 'cultivating the ability to become your own ally' contributes to recovery.
This is not the image of 'becoming a parent,' but rather 'creating a secure base within yourself that you could not get from your parents'.
■ True change is 'becoming able to live while carrying the sadness'
This is the most realistic and also the most difficult point.
This type of desire rarely disappears completely.
However,
A state where you fall apart every time you remember it
→ A state where it hurts when you remember it, but you can continue with your life
will change into this.
In other words, it is not 'resolution' but 'integration'.
This is less about 'how can I be saved,' and more like
'how can I live while carrying the parts that cannot be fully saved?'
a question closer to that.
However, even in that state, people can still properly feel happiness.
It is perhaps not in the form of 'filling the hole,' but rather in the form of richness growing in other areas, with the premise that the hole still exists.