Manzai #12 'Best Man Speech'

B: My friend is getting married.

A: Oh! Congratulations. That's wonderful.

B: So, the wedding is in a week, and I've been asked to give a speech as the representative of his friends.

A: Seriously!? You're not just a friend, you're his best friend. That's a huge responsibility.

B: Exactly. Ever since I agreed to do the speech, I've been so nervous and under so much pressure that I haven't been able to sleep at night...

A: Are you okay? Well, don't put so much pressure on yourself.

B: Yeah. So, could you read it for me on the day?

A: Me!? That makes no sense, that makes no sense. Wait, do you even know him?

B: I don't think you'd even know his face.

A: There's no way I'm doing that!

B: It's seriously tough, man.

A: It might be tough, but it's weird for me to do it. You need to pull yourself together and read it yourself.

B: No, you don't get it, it's bad. I mean, I can't sleep at night, you know?

A: You're feeling way too much pressure.

B: Because I can't sleep at night, I've been sleeping for about eight hours during the day.

A: You're sleeping just fine. You're just nocturnal. If you're sleeping eight hours, you should be in great shape.

B: Just do it for me. You can just write whatever you want.

A: That makes even less sense.

B: You can do it.

A: There's no way I can do it. I can't write a speech when I don't have any memories with him.

B: You can just plan a day trip for the two of you or something.

Straight man: Don't mess with me.
What do you think a best man speech is?

Funny man: I'll pay you for it.

Straight man: That's not the point.
Besides, there's no way I'm going to give a speech about memories of a day trip with someone your friends don't even know.
That's not going to happen.

Funny man: Why don't you just keep it a surprise and not tell them you're giving a speech until the day of?

Straight man: Are you trying to ruin the wedding?

Funny man: Surprises are important, you know.

Straight man: Surprises are important, sure.
But what you're trying to do isn't a surprise, it's terrorism.
And anyway, if you can't do it, just turn it down.

Funny man: Don't say it so easily.
Just because it's not your problem.

Straight man: I can't help it.
If you can't do it.

Funny man: They'll panic if I cancel a week before.

Straight man: They'll panic more if some stranger gives a lame speech on the day of.

Funny man: Then I'll just be a no-show!

Straight man: Huh?

Funny man: I'll just say, 'I caught a cold,' and skip it.

Straight man: No way!
Don't fake an illness at a friend's wedding!

Funny man: It'll be fine.
No one will ever know if I'm faking it or not.

Straight man: No, I'll snitch on you.

Funny man: Why would you do that?
That's brutal.

Straight man: If you don't go, I'm seriously going to tell them.

Funny man: I shouldn't have told you.
Fine, I get it.
Okay, I'll go to the wedding.

Straight man: Do it for your friend and give it your best shot!

B: On the day, I'll drink like crazy,
and before the speech, I'll pick a fight with the bride's parents and get kicked out.

A: No, that's a total mess.
That's enough.