Is closing a grave an act of filial impiety? The reality of the growing 'grave successor problem'

I am thinking of getting rid of our family grave.

I still remember the way that family member looked down apologetically when they said that to me.

It was not that anyone had blamed them.

It was not that their relatives had opposed it either.

Even so, they said this to me many times.

It is an act of filial impiety, isn't it...

Recently, I have had more opportunities to hear the term 'grave closing'.

In the past, graves were things to be passed down from generation to generation.

They were things to be protected by children and grandchildren.

That way of thinking was taken for granted.

But things are different now.

Children live in other prefectures.

They got married and changed their surnames.

Or, they have no children at all.

The structure of families and the way we live have changed significantly from the past.

That is precisely why many families today are facing the issue of what to do with their graves.

Today, I would like to talk about 'grave closing'.

This is not an article recommending that you get rid of your grave.

Conversely, I do not mean to say that you absolutely must keep it.

You are free to choose either path.

With that said, there is one thing I want you to know.

You want to look after the grave, but you cannot.

Because it is your parents' grave.

Because it is your ancestors' grave.

If you could, you would want to keep it as it is.

There are truly many people who feel this way.

But looking at the reality, there are difficulties.

A place that takes many hours by car from your home.

You can only return once a year.

You have become elderly and can no longer drive.

Even if you want to visit the grave, you cannot.

Such situations are by no means rare.

I have the desire, but my body cannot keep up.

That is the honest feeling of many families today.

Closing a grave is not 'abandoning your parents'.

Please, by all means, remember this one phrase.

Closing a grave does not mean treating it with disrespect.

It is one of the options for continuing to offer memorial services into the future.

For example, some people choose perpetual memorial services.

Some people move them to temples where they are well-maintained.

Some people relocate their family graves to a location closer to their home.

The form may change.

However.

The desire to "pay one's respects" remains the same.

The hardest part is when "no one visits anymore."

There is something I am more concerned about than whether a grave is grand or not.

That is the prospect of a grave going unvisited by anyone for years.

Weeds grow.

No flowers are offered.

There is no scent of incense.

Seeing such a grave makes me feel a little sad.

Of course, there are circumstances.

Living far away.

Poor health.

No time due to work or raising children.

It is no one's fault.

That is precisely why.

More and more families are wondering if "leaving behind a grave that cannot be maintained" is truly the right answer.

What is it that parents truly wish for?

I once received a consultation regarding a grave for a married couple.

The son is in Tokyo.

The daughter is overseas.

Neither of them can come home very often.

Then, the mother said this quietly.

I would hate for my children to struggle because of a grave.

Hearing those words, the atmosphere in the family changed.

The children, who until then couldn't bring themselves to say they wanted to close the grave, were finally able to speak their true feelings.

What the parent wanted was not for the grave to be maintained.

It was for the children to live happily.

What matters is the 'feeling of remembrance,' not the 'place'.

Of course, a grave has a special meaning.

A place where the family gathers.

A place to put your hands together in prayer.

A place to look back on memories.

That is why it is not something that can be decided easily.

But I think this.

Rather than the grave being far away and unable to be visited for years.

Perhaps it is a more fitting way to honor someone if you can visit and pray, even if only occasionally, nearby.

Memorial services cannot be measured by distance.

Nor by whether the grave is extravagant or not.

Not forgetting.

That might be the most important thing.

There is a common trait among those who regret closing a grave

In fact, there are not that many people who regret the act of closing a grave itself.

Those who regret it are,

those who did not consult with anyone.

They didn't talk to their siblings.

They didn't ask how their parents felt.

They didn't consult with the temple.

They decided on their own.

That is why later on,

they feel they should have talked more.

That is what happens.

Conversely, families who take the time to talk things over,

whether the result is closing the grave or choosing to keep it, often seem to move forward with a sense of acceptance.

Finally,

there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to closing a grave.

For some families, it is right to continue protecting the grave.

For other families, choosing perpetual memorial services leads to peace of mind.

It is.

What is important is not the opinions of society, but thinking about what is the best choice for your own family.

If your parents are still healthy.

If there is someone who is currently looking after the grave.

Please try asking them, even if just once.

'What are your thoughts on the future of the grave?'

The conversation that starts with those words might require a little courage.

However, that time will never be wasted.

While it may seem like you are talking about a grave, you are actually talking about the future of your family.

That is what I believe.

In this blog, I will continue to do so.

I will share things that many families in the fields of funerals and inheritance feel they 'wish they had known sooner'.

Not to increase your knowledge.

But to put someone at ease.

And to reduce, even if just a little, the regrets of that day that will eventually come.

I would be happy if we could meet again in the next article.

*************************************************

'Guide to the Time of Farewell'

I would be happy if you could use this for 'employee training,' 'customer service,' or 'your own preparation.'
Guide to the Time of Farewell (E-book/Paperback)

https://www.amazon.co.jp/s?k=Guide+to+Time+of+Farewell&i=digital-text&__mk_ja_JP=Katakana&ref=nb_sb_noss