People who go to the convenience store on Sunday nights probably aren't lonely, they just want peace of mind
On a Sunday night, around 10 PM, I wander off to the convenience store.
It's not that I'm hungry. It's not that there's anything I need to buy.
It's just that being in my room feels suffocating. The fact that Monday starts again tomorrow slowly presses down on my chest.
That's why I go to the convenience store.
The automatic doors open, and I'm enveloped in white light. I look at the shelves. New sweets, bottled tea, the magazine section. I don't really have to buy anything.
But usually, I buy just one thing.
Pudding. Ice cream. A slightly fancy chocolate. Something that costs about 200 or 300 yen.
I tell the cashier, "I don't need a bag," and walk back home.
I return to my room, eat what I bought while scrolling on my phone, and before I know it, I've fallen asleep.
This is my Sunday night routine.
I've never told anyone. It's not really worth mentioning, and no one ever asks.
But if there's anyone else doing the same thing, I want them to know. It's not because you're "lonely."
The convenience store is a "place where nothing is expected of you."
Why does going to the convenience store on a Sunday night make me feel a little better?
I've been thinking about it for a long time.
"Is it because I want to breathe some fresh air?" Then a walk would suffice.
"Is it because I want something sweet?" I have a stock of snacks at home.
"Is it because I'm craving human connection?" I don't even talk to the convenience store clerk.
None of those felt quite right.
One Sunday night, on my way back from the convenience store, I suddenly realized.
The convenience store is a place that doesn't demand anything from me.
Work demands results. Social media demands a fulfilling life.
Family and friends demand updates, asking, "How are you?" or "What have you been up to lately?"
Everywhere else is a place where you have to give something back.
But the convenience store is different.
Whether you go in or come out, no one cares. You won't get scolded even if you don't buy anything.
Just by buying one pudding, you get told 'Welcome' and 'Thank you'.
Nothing is expected of you, nothing is judged, you are just allowed to be there.
I think what I needed on that Sunday night wasn't the pudding, but 'time where I could just be myself, without being anyone in particular'.
The story of 'people who hide their apps before payday'
While writing this, I remembered one more thing.
About a week before payday, I remove my banking app from my phone's home screen.
I don't uninstall it. I just move it deep into a folder.
Because I don't want to see my balance.
I know that 'not looking doesn't mean it's okay'. The balance is the same amount whether I look at it or not.
But just by putting it somewhere I can't see, my heart feels a little lighter.
I thought this was an embarrassing habit that only I did.
But once, when I was drinking with a friend and let this slip, they said, 'Oh, I do that too'.
Another person said, 'I delete my credit card app'.
The three of us laughed. We laughed, but I think we were all a little relieved.
Thinking, 'I wasn't the only one'.
The 'silly rituals' we can't tell anyone about
We have many 'silly rituals' that we can't tell anyone about.
Sunday night convenience store trips. Hiding apps before payday. Amazon carts at 1 AM.
None of these are things worth talking to others about. But I can't stop. And I don't really want to stop, either.
That is because it is my own way of 'surviving'.
When my heart is tired, when I feel like I'm going to be crushed by anxiety, when I'm afraid of tomorrow coming. It's not enough to go to counseling. It's not enough to call a friend. But if I leave it alone, I feel like I'll break.
That zone of 'less than counseling, more than ignoring' is filled by convenience store pudding, hiding apps, and filling up an Amazon cart.
The one thing I want to be careful about
So, I don't intend to deny these 'trivial rituals.' In fact, I think they are a proper way of protecting yourself.
However, just one thing.
I want you to check from time to time if your 'ritual' has become your 'usual self'.,
I can't sleep from anxiety if I don't go to the convenience store on Sunday night. My heart palpitates if I don't hide my apps. I can't settle down if I don't open Amazon in the middle of the night.
If it has reached the level of 'I'm scared if I don't do it,' then that is not a ritual, but one foot in the door of dependency.
In that case, it might be good to swap out the contents of the 'ritual' just a little bit.
Try taking a different route home from the convenience store. Instead of hiding apps, try writing your balance on a piece of paper. Instead of an Amazon cart, try opening a library reservation site.
The 'structure' of what you are doing can stay the same. Just by changing the contents a little, the dependency returns to being a ritual.
To those going to the convenience store tonight
To those who read this article and thought, 'I guess I'll go to the convenience store tonight too.'
I think it's fine to go.
However, tonight, before you line up at the register, I want you to think for just one second.
'What am I trying to escape from right now?'
You don't need to come up with an answer. Just thinking about it is enough.
If you could think about it vaguely while eating pudding in your bed, that alone might make next Sunday a little bit different.
Let's get through tonight together, too.
Chicken neck