6. Goodbye, Days Gone By

“You said you were hospitalized... so it was true.”
Hori-kun said this in a voice that sounded like he was being crushed, in the private room of the maternity clinic overlooking a river where pale pink petals were drifting by.

There was no reason for me to tell him, as he was no longer my colleague, but he had persisted in asking where I was so many times that I thought it would be fine since I was far away. I was surprised when he came to visit that very weekend.

“Anno-san. That’s the name, right?”
It was funny to hear him ask so timidly, and I burst out laughing while holding the soft, little creature to my chest.

“So, whose child is that?”
“Who knows? That’s none of your business, Hori-kun.”
My son was sleeping soundly, clutching his miraculously tiny palms.

It was an easy birth for my age; he is a filial son. He was born perfectly healthy.
I should thank God for that.
To the Father who dwells in the highest heavens, who did not even try to help me when I was a teenager.

“I heard you quit the lab as if you were running away and even returned your medical license. How do you intend to make a living from now on?”
“Any way I can. Anything other than psychiatry, I can do. Part-time cashier work, accounting at some office, anything.”

“You are still an excellent researcher. You can work in research even without a medical license. It is a loss to the psychiatric community that someone like you isn't writing a single paper. You have talent. A certain talent that I lack.”
Is he saying that seriously? If so, this man is quite something too.

“I thought I was the one doing the evaluation, but it was me who was being evaluated. That’s really all there is to it. The conclusion of the evaluation is surely this... Ritsuko Anno has defects in intelligence and emotion. I evaluate that she does not meet the requirements to speak on psychiatry.”

“Ritsuko-san.”
He glares at me with his lips twisted in frustration, but it is my way to see through what I have decided once. I hope you don't think ill of me.

The truth had been there all along, but I didn't see it. I only saw what I wanted to see and believed what I wanted to believe. A person like that is not fit for a career in psychology. Much less should I have performed a serious evaluation that involved someone else's sentencing.

Feeling a soft breeze on my cheek, I twist my body toward the window. My son in my arms let out a soft sound and opened his eyes for just a fleeting moment.

Although it was a relatively easy birth, my first pregnancy at such an advanced age was tough. Even though I thought I was prepared, I cried many times over how painful it was. My strength was exhausted by the recurring morning sickness, and I found it a chore to even bring food to my mouth on my own.

Even so, I could not bring myself to extinguish this flame of life. I truly feel now that I am glad I didn't.

“You’re a good boy, a good boy... my good boy.”
Hori-kun looked at my son with his eyebrows lowered in a troubled expression.

Hey, isn't he cute, this child?
It doesn't matter whose blood runs through him. This is my son.

There were things I only realized after giving birth.
How incredibly difficult it is to bring a person into this world.
He was born literally by risking my life.

Is it my ego to bring the son of a murderer into this world knowing who he is? Or is it God's will?
Since his intentions are not reflected at all, I am the only one who can protect this child.
This limp weight strongly reminds me of the word responsibility.

At the same time, I also think this.
Why did I hate her so much, I wonder.

Did she resent me first, or did I despise her first? A merry-go-round of the chicken and the egg. I spent so much time and heart on something so foolish.
I just gave birth, he was born, and now he is alive. That was all there was to it.

I can't laugh at him after this. It seems I had a bit of a mother complex myself.
No wonder I couldn't perform an evaluation. That evaluation report applies to me halfway, too. Although I don't go around picking up young girls and taking them away night after night.

As this child's father said, I realize now, too late, that there might have been other interpretations.
Is there any parent who would seriously compete with their middle-school-aged daughter?

It is a mother's duty to correct her child so that they do not make mistakes.
Perhaps that was why I ruined my clothes, trampled on my cosmetics, and flushed my jewelry down the toilet.

Perhaps she saw through me with a woman's intuition that I lack.
My inexperienced feelings of love. The path I would take from here on.
If that were the case, I wish she had just told me.
Though I don't suppose I would have listened to her honestly even if she had.

Perhaps my arms had stiffened and I had applied too much pressure, for my son let out a wail and his face turned bright red.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. There, there. Let's go to sleep now... sleep, sleep."

I sing a lullaby for my son in a voice so thin it seems it might fade away.
I am listening intently, but Hori-kun surely cannot understand why such a song would be a lullaby.
I don't know. I don't understand anything anymore either.

I will try studying everything—humanity, child-rearing, and all the rest—from scratch once more.
Embracing my son's pristine soul and the one promise I was able to keep.

I will be the one to bring it out for you.
Because I am a woman, if I could grant it in this way.
Being born a woman isn't such a bad thing.
Though it isn't exactly a wonderful thing, either.

Will this innocent soul, sleeping now without knowing anything, eventually resent me? Hate me? And one day, will they...

A repeating, repeating rondo.
The sound of intoxicating bells.
Even when far away. Entwining deep within my ears, ringing out... that person's La Campanella.
(End)

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