Why Are Women in Their 40s So Tired? Part 4: The Guilt of Mothers Who Want to Be Alone

I feel like I shouldn't think, 'I want to be alone.'

To be honest, there are times when I think, 'I want to be alone.'
I have also longed for a solo trip for a long time.
Even though I used to travel abroad alone twice a year when I was single...

But that feeling always comes with a sense of guilt.
'I'm a mother, is it okay for me to think like that?'
That voice echoes from somewhere in my head.

My husband had 'free time,' but I didn't.

In our case, my husband also took childcare leave.

During those two and a half years, my husband stayed out overnight at least three times for two full days each.
These were overnight trips where he would leave early in the morning and return late at night.

On the other hand, because I was exclusively breastfeeding,
I could only be away for a maximum of about three hours while nursing.

Even just going to the hair salon made me feel uneasy,
and staying out for a long time, let alone overnight, wasn't realistic.

I wanted to go out many times.
But every time I did,
'They might cry and scream if I'm not there.'
I would imagine that scene.

And in the end,
'If it means creating that situation, I'd rather stay home.'

That's how I kept choosing my child's peace of mind over my own freedom.
I think that just became the norm.

Even when I have time to myself, why can't I 'rest'?

Now that my child is three years old,
I have finally started to move away from the feeling that 'they can't manage without me.'

Even so,

when I do get time to myself, for some reason, I can't settle down.

Even though I should be resting,
I find myself cleaning or tidying up before I know it.

Even though it's supposed to be time for myself,
I end up using it for 'household chores' before I realize it.

Where does the 'guilt' come from?

What's strange is that even though no one is blaming me, I still feel guilty.

I can rest, but I can't.
I have time to use as I please, but I can't relax.
That sense of discomfort slowly wears down my heart.

Looking back, I feel like I held the assumption somewhere that
“mothers shouldn't use time for themselves.”
I feel like I held that premise.

It is taken for granted that children come first, and
my own time is “something to be used only if there is any left over.”

That is an unconscious rule.

When did it become “this is how a mother should be”?

It is not as if anyone told me that directly.

Even so, before I knew it,
the image of “this is how a mother should be”
had firmly taken root inside me.

That is why
I prioritize working hard over resting.

And I feel like that is the right thing to do.

Even though, in reality, “time alone” should be necessary.

If you think about it calmly, time to be alone is necessary.

Without time to reset, anyone would get tired.

And yet,
“resting = a bad thing”
is how I end up feeling.

I feel that this very sensation is what is slowly cornering people.

The “proper mother image” is binding me

In the end, what is binding me might not be the outside world, but
the “ideal mother image” that exists inside me.

Working hard is a given.
Not resting is normal.
Putting myself last.

That is the image.

I think my mother's influence is also significant, but
my mother was a full-time housewife.

It must have been different from the environment today where work, child-rearing, and housework all pile up at once.
Even so, I feel that the “mother image” of that era still remains today without changing its form.

“Trying to do it all is foolish.”

Keep only what is truly important,
and let go of things with low priority.

Even though I know that in my head,
it is the hardest thing to do.

It is okay to want to be alone

Wanting to be alone is not a bad thing in itself.

In fact, I think it is a natural desire that arises precisely because you are working hard every day.
I think it is a natural desire that arises precisely because you are working hard every day.

Being a mother and being yourself should not be a relationship where one has to erase the other.

Why don't we update our 'image of a mother'?

I often see these on the internet:

'You don't look like you've had a baby,'
'You don't look like a mom.'

Such words of praise (?).

Honestly, I hate them!

Don't you wonder what kind of 'image of a mother' is assumed behind those words?

A mother is,
a loving presence who always prioritizes the family, is patient, and handles everything,
I feel like that image still remains somewhere in society.

But in reality, we live in an era where dual-income households are the majority.
The way we work and the shape of families have changed significantly from the past.

Yet, I feel that only the 'image of a mother' has not been updated.

Time alone is not 'selfish,' but necessary time

That is precisely why,

you don't have to feel guilty about wanting to be alone.

It is not running away, it is recovery.
And recovery is necessary to move forward.

I have been trying to think that way lately,
and I make sure to protect my 3-hour yoga lesson once a week from Saturday evening to night.

I hope for a society where we can feel that just living our lives properly each day is enough.