Self-Understanding from Age 35: Why You Feel Suffocated Behind the 'Effort' and 'Achievements' That Make Living Through Your 'Strengths' Painful

"Attentive care for those around you"
"Overwhelming practical execution ability"
"Support skills that everyone relies on"

Diligently learning new technologies,
proposing new solutions to customer needs,
negotiating by grasping the client's intentions,
and bringing projects to completion.

You have surely used those "strengths" as weapons
to overcome rough seas and win your place.

Now that you are over 35 or 40,
and your social responsibilities have become heavier,

you should have been carrying those weapons,
feeling most motivated,
and enjoying a fulfilling life.

But what about reality?
The more you use those "strengths"
that you once worked so hard to acquire, the more your heart is worn down.

No matter how far you go, it only gets more painful,
and you cannot see a path to relief.
Which way should I go next?
Aren't you falling into that feeling?

Thinking "I must try harder,"
the tighter you grip your weapons,
why is it that you yourself are being eroded and exhausted—.

Wondering how long these days will continue,
you spend your weekends feeling unmotivated and at a loss.

This was me when I was 35.
I remember how exhausted I was back then.

The true nature of that pain is not a lack of ability on your part.
In fact, it is the opposite.

The very "strengths" you polished so desperately
and that once saved you
are the things causing you pain now.

There was a time when they functioned as "medicine."
When you were just starting out in society,
or perhaps back in your childhood,

you were someone with high empathy who comforted and healed those around you,
acted as a listener for complaints, and provided care.

You were someone who tackled daily studies with an indomitable spirit,
had the patience to keep working hard in clubs and exams,

or perhaps even demonstrated high leadership and management skills
in student council and similar roles.

However, time has passed,
and in fact, such excellent people now come to have dialogues with me.

"Strengths" are considered beneficial when used appropriately.
They are useful to society, make your own work easier,
and are likely to lead to good results.
There are only benefits for everyone.

However, there are times when those "strengths" become painful.

That is when you acquired those skills for the sake of "adaptation,
when you took on those roles.

The source of that energy is,
because it was a "survival strategy" to be accepted by society and others,
and to be allowed to stay in that place.

When you are evaluated by others, have your value discovered,
and are recognized as useful,
you can belong as a member.

You receive "permission" that you are allowed to be there.
It is like an indulgence.

For example, a new employee.
Whether they fit the climate and culture of the company,
or whether they possess the abilities the company wants,
it is the company side that selects.

By being recognized as having the necessary skills and being a capable asset,
you can belong to that company.

The new employee also thinks about whether the company's temperament suits them
and how much their own wishes can be fulfilled,
and they express their hopes to the company, but

if anything, the company is still the one doing the choosing.

Therefore, rather than your own "things you want to do,"
you need to align with "things the company wants you to do."

That is "adaptation."

Of course, since everyone has their own aptitudes,
in many cases, it is not something you are bad at from the start,

but because it is a "survival strategy,"
the goal is "to survive."

This is the reason why living through "strengths" for the sake of "adaptation"
eventually becomes painful.

After all, when the goal is "to survive,"
are we really in such an emergency situation right now...?

When we are running our "strengths" as this "survival strategy,"
we have left "ourselves" behind,
or perhaps sealed ourselves away.

That is why, no matter how much success you achieve, your heart feels empty.

And in many cases, that
"survival strategy" is perceived as a "sense of duty,"
and it is difficult for us to break free from it.

But it is okay not to break free.
You do not have to completely stop what you are doing now.
(Of course, it is fine if you do stop, though.)

Just try placing "yourself" there.

How do you yourself feel about this?
Carry the question,
"What about me?"

When you invite "yourself" into the center of your "efforts" and "achievements,"
you will clearly understand that
you have been treating yourself as if you did not exist until now.
Reclaiming yourself in your own life is the first step

to rebooting your life.

Integrative Psychology Research Tokyo Meguro | Sanae Horie
Rebooting Your Life
Psychology x Body, Integrative Counseling