Looking at myself in the long term

It has been two months since I entered graduate school in April.

Having left the elementary school workplace where I worked for nearly 20 years and jumped into a new environment, I have finally been able to see my weaknesses clearly.

I am not good at giving presentations in class or being asked for my opinion during group work.

Because I have stage fright, I get nervous just speaking in front of people.

But that is not all.

I think it is also a part of my nature that it takes time for my thoughts to come together.

During group work, while the person next to me started sharing their opinions without hesitation, I was doing my best just to arrange words in my head.

By the time I thought, "I'll say this," and psyched myself up to say it, the topic had already moved on, and I often found that I had missed my chance to speak.

"I couldn't say it again."

In that moment, along with frustration and self-pity,

"Maybe I really am inferior to others"

is the thought that wells up inside me.

When I think about things like that, my weaknesses just keep looking bigger and bigger.

But when I take a step back and look at things, I realize that there is also a side of me that is not like that at all.

Everyone has things they are good at and things they are not.

Moving at a slow pace and taking time to put thoughts into words are just some of my characteristics.

But that alone does not define who I am as a person.

Looking back later, there are many things I only noticed because I took the time to think about them.

Listening carefully to others, thinking about a single event from multiple perspectives, and believing in people's growth while watching over them in the long term might be my strengths.

When I was a teacher, that was the kind of gaze I directed toward my students.

Instead of judging them only by whether they can do it right now,
I was able to naturally believe in and wait for them to grow over time.

I never
jumped to the conclusion that 'this child can't do it'
based on a single failure or the immediate result.

A child who could hardly express their own opinions in April
would be raising their hand to speak up on their own a year later.

I have seen that kind of growth many times.

Every time I saw that,

'People grow over time'

is something that
I think I was taught
by the children time and time again.

And yet, it was different when it came to myself.

Just because I couldn't speak well once,

'I guess I'm just no good'

is what I would conclude.

Every time I saw myself feeling nervous,
I would blame myself.

But I think that was
far too unfair.

I was able to believe in the children's growth with a long-term perspective, yet I was evaluating only myself based on today's results.

Perhaps the ability to process things quickly is not something that can be changed significantly by effort alone.

Even so,
I don't think there is any need to give up on finding ways to adapt.

Considering my age,
I think it is more realistic to accumulate adjustments that suit my current self rather than expecting dramatic changes.

Looking back,
I have always made adjustments one by one and changed my approach to suit each situation.

I think that
is what has supported me until now.

Being prone to nervousness,
and having a slow pace in getting things done,
are all part of who I am.

However, that is not all there is to me.

Including both my strengths and weaknesses,
I believe that is who I am.

Just as I have believed in and waited for the growth of my students as a teacher,
from now on, I will try to turn that same gaze
toward myself, just a little.

Without rushing, without comparing too much,
I will not judge myself based on a single day or a single failure.

Instead of aiming for a perfect version of myself,

if I can move forward just a little bit
more than I did yesterday, that is enough.

I will treat myself with the feeling of
slowly nurturing who I am.

Tomorrow, I might again
feel down because I couldn't speak well.

Even so,
I will try to turn that gaze I once directed at my students
toward myself, just a little.

Looking at myself with a long-term perspective
is surely something that takes practice, too.