Even on leave, what remains in my heart...

Since going on leave, I've been spending my time freely, doing things I like and sleeping when I'm tired. But my body still isn't back to 100%.

Spending time like this lately, I've realized that my heart feels heavy. It's hard to put into words, but if I had to say, it feels like there's something thick and murky accumulating in my heart like sediment.

What could this be?
Pain? Sadness? Those are close, but it feels different somehow. Hmm, as I thought about it, I arrived atanger.

I'm not angry right now, though. I'm not frustrated. I started to tell myself that, but I am angry after all. I suppressed my anger, pushed it down, and turned it into sadness, pretending that nothing was wrong, but the suppressed anger had piled up into something thick and murky like sediment.

So, where did this anger come from?
I was hurt and angered by things that happened in the week before I went on leave. The words and actions of others.
I understand that when people are weak, they can sometimes shift the blame to others, and perhaps my anger is born from a biased perspective.

But...
Is it okay for me to just dismiss the quiet anger I feel by telling myself I was just looking at things in a biased way, or that I was just mentally weak at the time, and blame myself? Also, is it okay for me to keeppretending to be a good girland keep storing up this murky stuff in my heart?

No, that's not okay.
It's definitely not good that I've been brushing off the feelings I had when I came home from work and ate dinner while crying by telling myself I was "fine."

I need to let this anger out once and remove the murkiness left in my heart. But since I don't think I can handle it on my own (lol), I think I'll talk about this at my next counseling session.

I think just being able to notice what's in my heart is a big step forward. It's tiring to always be a good girl. At the very least, I think it's okay to be honest or even be a bit 'bad' inside my own heart, and I feel now that after facing those emotions, I'll be able to find a more generous state of mind.