"Jealousy" is a "Signpost" in Life #JealousyFestival

"Jealousy" has always been by my side.

It is not just a dark emotion.

At times, it turns into frustration, into longing, and into a craving to become someone.

Looking back, "jealousy" was always a "signpost" leading me to what I truly wanted.

Middle school days – Jealousy toward a peer carrying the weight of the national flag

I felt "jealousy" when I saw Mao Asada on TV.

Even though we were born in the same year, she was already fighting on the world stage.
She carried the nation on her shoulders, was featured in the media, and was supported by so many people.

Meanwhile, I was in the countryside of Kobe, reading books while standing at TSUTAYA on the way home from school, sitting at McDonald's for five hours with 100 yen, and buying Karaage-kun on my way home while being scared of the delinquents hanging out in front of the convenience store.

I thought, 'This is what they call "youth".'

"If I had been truly dedicated to something, could I have stood in that place?"

I had never even thought about that.

I was just simply envious.

High school days – Jealousy hitting the wall of talent

I was obsessed with track and field, specifically the 100m dash.
I believed that if I worked hard, I could become strong.
At my middle school graduation ceremony, I loudly declared, "I will win a gold medal at the Olympics!"

However, reality was not that sweet.

Even if I could advance to the city finals, I would only make it to the semifinals at the prefectural tournament.
The athletes ahead of me were not strong because they "worked harder than me."

It was their natural spring.
The quality of their muscles and the difference in height.
Physical ability that made it seem like they were born to run.
They possessed those things.

On the other hand, it was hard for me to build muscle; I was actually skinny.
When I wore my uniform, my body looked thin and unreliable.
I looked like an old man.

"There is talent that effort cannot reach."

When that was thrust upon me, I felt "jealousy" toward my muscular, handsome friends.

University days – Setbacks and jealousy at Starbucks

I started working there with the casual thought, "Isn't working at Starbucks cool?"
I admired the baristas' efficiency and smooth customer service.

But the reality was different.

I couldn't remember the recipes at all.
I would panic every time an order came in.
My hands would shake while I worked, being watched by high school girls.

When I tried to put whipped cream on, it would explode and become a mess.
When I frothed the milk, it would splatter.
I drew latte art outside the cup.

And so, I quit after half a year.

"Are all the baristas in the world geniuses?"

They are sharp, friendly, and handle things efficiently.
I felt "jealousy" toward those handsome baristas.

But I have confidence that I can apply mayonnaise on okonomiyaki as beautifully as caramel macchiato syrup.

Becoming a working adult – Jealousy toward "proper working adults"

Every time I am told to "do this," I find myself thinking, "In the first place, why do I have to do this?"

I wondered why everyone else could just do things calmly without having any doubts.

I was envious of the people who could adapt to the rules of society and move without hesitation.
I always think deeply, asking, "Why is this?"

I feel like if I had been born during wartime, I would have been shot by my own side before the enemy.
I couldn't follow instructions without being convinced.

But now I understand.
I can't move unless there is a reason I can accept.

I don't want to do it "just because I was told to"; I want a reason that makes me think, "It's better to do it this way."

That's why I've come to think that I don't have to force myself to be a "proper working adult."

In fact, I don't want to become a proper working adult at all.

Why did I feel jealous?

The "jealousy" of the past was just suffering.
The envy and longing for things out of reach were strong.

However, I feel that "jealousy" has changed now.

There is no more envy toward Mao Asada,
no more frustration in track and field,
and no more setbacks at Starbucks.

That is because I have "given up."

What is impossible is impossible.
I will leave that to those who are good at it.

It is precisely because I have started to see the direction I should aim for that "jealousy" has turned into a "signpost."

Jealousy is a signpost

Now, the people I am "jealous" of are those who live by their own names.

I admire those who move the world with their own words, actions, and stance.

I believe that living like them is the path I should aim for.

However, I have come to think that there must have been invisible suffering and conflict on the paths those people have walked.

"Respect" is now mixed into the "jealousy" I feel.

I have come to feel that the objects of my "jealousy" are like seniors or peers moving in the same direction as me.

They are not just competitors, but people who are walking ahead on the path I should aim for.

Someday, I want to go to an okonomiyaki restaurant with such people and talk.

We will surround the iron griddle and apply mayonnaise with shaking hands.