The Important Thing Missing in Children Who Always Get 100%

As parents, it is very painful to see our children fail. When we see them crying after falling down, or looking dejected because they tried something and it didn't go well, we sometimes even wish we could take their place.

However, I would like to talk about how our kindness and overprotective feelings might actually be putting our children in even greater danger.

The ability to accept diversity and 'differences'

I previously talked about 'diversity' on another blog. The existence of diversity means that there are 'differences' within society. And without the ability to accept those differences, it is difficult to live together within the framework of society.

However, the ability to accept 'differences' is not something you can learn from someone else and immediately acquire.

How do you overcome the discomfort and confusion when you are faced with values and perspectives that differ from your own? If you haven't experienced practicing this during childhood, you will hit a major wall when you enter society.

A place to challenge = a comfortable place

I call the attempt to accept 'differences' a 'challenge'.

What is important here is that a challenge can only be undertaken in a 'comfortable place.' For a child, it is because there is an environment where failure is forgiven and they can safely try again that they can break out of their shell and take on challenges.

The key is how we can create that 'comfort' at home, at school, and in the community.

The problem faced by children who get 100%

This is a story I heard the other day from my daughter, who was in her first year of junior high school. She said there was a girl in her class who got a 90 on a social studies test. One day, that girl was crying softly in the classroom. When asked why, she said it was because she was scolded for not getting a 100 on the test.

I also know that girl's parents. When I heard the story, I could only sigh. Of course, the parents may have had their own reasons, but please let me express my own theory here.

The background behind the demand to 'get 100%'
There are various reasons why parents demand that their children get 100%. I think it often includes wishes such as 'for their future,' 'I want them to learn thoroughly,' or 'I want them to develop a habit of hard work.' An obedient child might believe, 'Because my mom and dad say so, it must be right,' and work hard at memorizing, perhaps continuing to get 100%.

At first glance, that child might look 'perfect' and seem to have no problems. But is that really the case? In reality, there is a possibility that the child does not know 'how to fail.'

The risks of not knowing failure
When raised in an environment where they are required not to fail and where failure is not forgiven, children become afraid of 'making mistakes.' As a result, they may lose the motivation to try new things or suppress their self-expression to avoid situations where they might fail.

Behind the result of '100%' may be the reality that they are losing the opportunity to gain the peace of mind that 'it is okay to fail.' While evaluating getting 100% as a 'success,' treating anything other than 100% as a 'failure'—in such an environment, children may gradually become afraid of challenges and lose the desire to test their own limits.

There are exceptions, but...
Of course, there are children who spontaneously get 100% without their parents demanding it. That is a different story. If a child has their own interests and curiosity and is making efforts on their own, that is wonderful.

However, when getting 100% itself becomes a 'means to meet parental expectations,' we need to pay attention to the fact that it may hinder the child's healthy development.

Why is the experience of failure necessary?

For example, when a child clashes with a friend or has their opinion rejected. While these may seem like painful events at first glance, they are actually perfect opportunities to cultivate the ability to accept 'differences' and find common ground. By accumulating these small experiences of failure, children can develop the ability to solve problems on their own when they eventually enter society and face truly dangerous situations or difficult circumstances.

Conversely, what happens if we keep protecting children from failure? When their opinions are rejected, they may not know how to face the other person and might end up isolated. An unconscious expectation that someone will help them can, in the end, lead to significant danger.

What we can do in a Japan where differences are increasing

According to data at hand, while the number of foreigners living in Japan has increased by 70% in the decade since 2012, it is said that about 80% of Japanese people do not have regular opportunities to interact with foreigners. This gap shows the reality that while Japanese society is rapidly diversifying, many people have not had the opportunity to face those 'differences'.

Furthermore, Japan's birthrate is declining, and the number of children is decreasing. To compensate for this reality, many foreigners are living and working in Japan, supporting our society. This means that the 'differences' around us are definitely increasing. The challenge we face amidst growing diversity is how to accept these differences and overcome them.

The importance of accepting differences

That is why I feel that 'accepting differences = a challenge,' as I mentioned at the beginning, is more important in the coming era than acquiring knowledge. In today's world, overflowing with information, knowledge itself has become easy to obtain. However, the ability to face people with different values and cultures, engage in dialogue, and build a future together cannot be gained through knowledge alone. This is because it is something that can only be cultivated through experience.

In conclusion: To provide learning that goes beyond a perfect score
As parents, what we should aim for is not supporting our children to get 'perfect scores,' but fostering the 'ability to overcome failure' that lies beyond that. The ability to accept differences and walk together is essential in the diverse society of the future.
I believe that the small steps we take as parents will become a great force that makes our children's future richer.