[Parenting] Calmly saying "stop"

It has been about a month since I received a report from the nursery school that my 4-year-old second son bit a friend.

I have been worried about my second son's biting for a long time, and I feel like I have tried various measures at different times,

but I haven't quite reached the point where he has stopped biting completely.

The thing that is currently most effective for my second son is banning him from going to karate practice. (Until the end of September)

The dojo my eldest son attends doesn't allow beginners until they are 5 years old, so my 4-year-old second son just watches the practice, or is allowed to join in a little bit thanks to the instructor's kindness, but my second son looked forward to it every time.

However,
I cannot allow a child who cannot control the urge to bite friends to learn techniques like punches, kicks, and knife-hand strikes, where his own hands and feet could become weapons.

It was with that thought that I banned him from participating in karate.

The nursery school seemed to perceive it as a punishment I had imposed,
(Both my eldest and second son tell the school everything that happens at home. Oh, how scary, how scary)

I would like them not to lump it in with the school's policy of imposing some sort of unclear sanction, such as making a child eat lunch in a younger grade's classroom for the time being if they do something bad.

Rather than a punishment,
karate is fundamentally about not attacking others yourself and never striking first
(even the forms (kata) all start with a "block")
and since my second son clearly cannot control that aspect right now,
I simply judged that it was not okay to take him to practice.

I think it makes sense, at least.

So,

my second son must have really wanted to go to karate, because he reported to me with a smug look every day, "I didn't bite anyone today,"
(It's not something to be smug about. 'It's only natural,' I thought as a mother)
and before I knew it, September was over.

And so, how happy my second son was to finally be able to show his face at karate practice again last week.

I made a promise with my second son that if he can completely stop biting and hitting his friends by the time he turns 5,
he can join,
so it looks like the days of watching over him will continue for a while longer.

•┈┈┈••✦☪︎✦••┈┈┈•

Now then.

I wrote here that while my second son knows unexpected emotions, there are also times when I think, 'You don't even know that?!'

Today, I have one more thing I noticed.

When he is unexpectedly interrupted by a friend,
or when someone does something he doesn't like,

"Stop."

That simple phrase is something
that my second son finds difficult to say,
I finally realized recently.

My second son is by no means inarticulate.
For his age, he knows quite a variety of words.

However, when it comes to troublesome situations,
when you think about it, in situations where saying "stop" would solve everything,
if he could just say that one word, the adults around him would notice,
and he could avoid trouble.

It seems that saying "stop" calmly is difficult
for him.

Huh?
I'm sure some people might think that.
Just say stop, that's all it takes, right?

Maybe I, as his mother, will be blamed,
saying that I just didn't teach him that.

That might certainly be true,

but

even adults

when something truly unexpected

and extremely unpleasant is done to them,

how many people can calmly say "stop"?

Do they lose their words and fall silent, holding the misplaced anger inside themselves,
or perhaps become aggressive on the spot?

Doesn't that happen?

How many people are there
who can smoothly convey that they dislike something
with just the right touch?

When you think about it that way,

saying "stop"
is something that

I feel isn't just a problem for young children.

Even among adults,
there must be a huge number of people
who aren't good at controlling their emotions
or expressing their feelings to others.
Myself included, of course.

Adults raise children.
That's not a lie, but

thanks to children, adults grow too.
This is also a fact.

To become someone who can calmly say "stop."
So that I can become that way too.

It seems there is still much to learn from my second son.

The end.