Where did I leave myself behind?

Hello, this is Aine.

I see... yeah...
I guess that's right, isn't it...

Frustrated, pathetic,

These two emotions are swirling around inside me.

I'm usually a positive person,
I usually spend my days smiling,
but sometimes I get hit by overwhelming negative emotions.

And that has happened again this time.

Perhaps the real me
is always, constantly, frustrated,
and looking backward.

School non-attendance and my own disabilities,
my mother's illness, and then her passing.
There have been many events that shook my emotions.
Because there were so many,
I may have intentionally dulled my emotions.
I couldn't get by normally, so I made myself dull on purpose.

Looking back on my life,
if you think about it in terms of common sense,
it's impossible to spend it smiling.
It's also strange that I'm so quick to sort out my feelings.
Because I became dull to my own emotions,
I smile and push myself too hard.

I should just cry,
I should just say my true feelings and ask for help,

Dulling my emotions was a way to survive.
Even if that's the case,
the way I live like that is painful to watch.
My life is full of impossible things,
like school non-attendance, disabilities, and bereavement,
but precisely because of that...

When it hurts, it hurts,
when it's hard, it's hard,
when it's too much, it's too much,

I wish I could say that.

But to be honest,
I've become so dull that in normal times,
I truly don't know when I'm in pain or struggling.
Sometimes I become my true self,
and it comes to tell me, 'It hurts right now! I'm frustrated right now!'
It has become such a mysterious way of living.

I'm sorry for being so gloomy today.
I wanted to leave this written down for when I realized it,
so I wrote it.

*Aine*