What I Can Do for Myself

Hello, I am Aine.

I used to hate my life.
I wasn't normal, I didn't have any friends, I was the only one who was different, and I hated it so, so much.
However, after losing my mother and starting to walk at a slower pace, I began to realize that 'this is no time to be saying things like that.' Living alone with my father didn't quite amount to full independence, but I learned to handle all the housework, cooked dinner every day, and gained the confidence to live.

But I still have symptoms of my disability.
It takes me time to listen to and understand simple things people say, or sometimes I can't understand them at all, I get buried in delusions, and the switch for my auditory hypersensitivity hasn't turned off either.

Even so, I won't give up on living.

Because I realized long ago that I can only live in a clumsy way, so now it's all about finding ways to adapt. If I find ways to adapt, even someone like me can live among others.

It's not easy; it's painful, and it's very difficult.
Accepting that things others take for granted or find normal are things I cannot do is quite painful in its own way.
But when I feel that pain, I think, 'Let's find a way to adapt!' because that is what I need to live.

However, even when I try to adapt, I still fail, and unpleasant or painful things still happen.
For example, yesterday I couldn't handle taking a phone call for a staff member well, and I had to apologize.
Receiving information only through voice is a very high hurdle for me. Because that hurdle is high, I am training. Since I can't do it, I use trial and error to figure out how I can. Because vocational transition support is a place for failure and learning.

It's painful, it's difficult, and I end up comparing myself to the capable people around me, but I can only ever be myself, so I have no choice but to adapt, make an effort, and fail.
I believe these are the tasks my mother left behind for me.
【What kind of future awaits Aine-chan?】
Until I can report these tasks to my mother with my head held high, I will overcome the pain and the difficulty. After all, I will definitely be smiling in the end.

I certainly have a mental illness that no one else in my family or relatives has, yet I have managed to make it this far and am somehow still living. I've been told that among my family, Aine is the most tenacious.
Rather than feeling down by comparing myself to someone who can do things, I focus on how far I can pull my own incapable self up.
I will do my best at a gentle pace again today. 💗(*•ᴗ•*)و💗

＊Aine＊