Everything was a light guiding me

On a whim, I pulled out a book I had read a long time ago that caught my eye. I felt like it might be useful. I wanted to satisfy the thirst for knowledge that had been overflowing for the first time in a while. I wanted to engage with knowledge that was systematically organized. It was a very positive reason. Simply because I wanted to touch a world I hadn't seen yet. Because I wanted to learn new things. It wasn't out of a feeling of self-denial where not knowing was shameful, but out of a desire to find something interesting. And I realized that this was a very important realization. It was the voice of a growth mindset that helps me grow, not a fixed mindset—like the one written in the book I picked up—that assumes my abilities are determined by uncontrollable talent or genetics or something.

Come to think of it, when I want to study, it's usually when I'm hurting myself. I often turned to studying with a desperate feeling when I wanted to completely deny my current self, hated who I was, and wanted to escape from that. And that was usually accompanied by headaches or feeling unwell. It rarely went well.

In contrast, when I succeeded, it was when I was driven by curiosity and enjoyment. When I wanted to know new things. When I wanted to try things out. When I wanted to create things myself. It didn't matter if it was objectively worthless. For example, copying illustrations, transcribing mathematical formulas from papers, or writing reproduction code based on algorithms. Come to think of it, AIMPAST, which I named my company, originally meant 'aiming for the past' with the goal of 'reinventing the wheel' in the sense of tracing the wisdom of our predecessors (at that time it was AIM@PAST). Now, it has become a company with a greater purpose: 'aiming to return to the pure curiosity of childhood.' Perhaps my soul knew it all along.

What is the purpose of learning? What is the purpose of creating? It is simply for my own growth. To be able to do what I couldn't do before. Somewhere along the way, that became about receiving good evaluations from others or proving my own abilities. While doing that, I became afraid of evaluation from others. Perhaps I was unconsciously afraid of what would happen if I were pushed to prove that I had no ability, or if I ended up proving that I had no talent.

While doing that, I moved to places where there were people who appreciated me and needed me. That was a good experience in itself, as I reached a warm, healing place for my wounded self and realized that I could be useful too. And now, realizing that my wounded self was an illusion, that I had been hurting all by myself, I have finally begun to realize that criticism and evaluation are not things that demean me. It was a light guiding my growth. I also realized that this is true self-acceptance. I was the one who thought I was being rejected, and I was the one who was doing the rejecting.

When you properly accept yourself like that and accept the world, your perspective changes. You realize that the world you thought was scary was actually warm. Everything was light. Studying is not about denying who you are now. Accepting yourself was not about fixing your current abilities as immutable and closing your eyes to or turning away from the bad parts. Since there is no such thing as good or bad in the first place, it was about accepting the self that thought parts of itself were bad, accepting the desire to improve, and believing that you can improve and grow.

I needed to gently say to myself, 'So you wanted to grow this part of yourself, didn't you?' and suggest, 'Then why don't we try doing this?' I was the only one who wasn't acknowledging my own desire for growth. I was deciding it was impossible and not believing in myself. Accepting yourself is not straightforward because you are also the one who hides it away. Just realizing that made me feel proud of myself.