[CS x Father of Two Style] 5 Rules for Managing Expectations through 'Promises' | Harmonizing Work and Home Life
Hello, this is Komaten.
“Wait? You haven't finished it yet? You said by the end of the day, didn't you?”
“Daddy, you said we were going to the park this Sunday!! (sobbing)”
Caught between the silent (or vocal) pressure from clients at work and the all-too-pure expectant gaze of your own children at home, are you spending your days with a knot in your stomach?
To be honest, I am one of those people.
I currently work as a Customer Success (CS) professional at an IT company, and in my private life, I am a father of two, raising a 6-year-old son and a 1-year-old daughter. Furthermore, because I also do AI writing as a side job, my days are constantly filled with 'promises to someone'.
There is a truth I have realized while moving from startups to large corporations. It is that the most capable people are skilled at handling 'promises' and have exquisite control over expectations.
Conversely, no matter how high your skills are, if you cannot adjust the other party's expectations, you run the risk of being called a 'liar' both at work and at home. That is a pretty scary thought, isn't it?
This time, as an active CS professional and a father, I will share, based on my honest opinions, the 'rules of making promises to avoid disappointing others and instead build trust'.
I hope these will be hints you can use in your work starting tomorrow and in your conversations with your children tonight.
Expectation management is the common language of 'CS' and 'child-rearing'
To begin with, why do we suffer from being unable to keep our 'promises'?
It is because we want to 'please the other person' or 'not be disliked' so much that we take on expectations that are impossible to fulfill.
A common occurrence in the CS field is the easy promise of 'I'll handle it as soon as possible!' The moment you say this, the other person is happy, but it is the entrance to hell. This is because 'as soon as possible' for them might mean 'in an hour,' while your 'as soon as possible' might mean 'by the end of the day.'
This 'gap in perception' is the beginning of all misfortune.
The exact same thing happens in child-rearing. Once you tell your 6-year-old son 'I'll play with you later,' he waits, expecting it to be 'in 5 minutes.' But what I had in mind was 'after dinner (2 hours later).' As a result, the tragedy of 'Daddy is a liar!' is born.
In other words, whether at work or at home, what is important is not just 'doing your best,' but 'setting (agreeing on) the other party's expectations at an appropriate level'.
From here on, I will introduce 5 specific rules that I am conscious of.
Rule 1: Eliminate ambiguous words and agree on 'definitions'
In both business and at home, the most dangerous things are 'adjectives' and 'adverbs'.
As soon as possible
Nicely
Just a little bit
Please consider these words to be a 'hotbed of bugs' that are interpreted in the listener's favor. If you want to be a professional as a CS, or sincere as a parent, you need to convert these into 'numbers' and 'facts'.
In the CS field
Instead of 'I will check immediately,' rephrase it to 'I will provide an initial response by '3:00 PM.'
If it seems like it will take time to resolve, say, 'It will take 3 days to resolve, but I will report the progress every day at 6:00 PM.'
With just this, it becomes clear to the other party 'how long they should wait,' and anxiety (= useless inquiries) will decrease drastically.
In the childcare field
'Later' is a forbidden word.
'When I finish washing these 3 plates, let's play with blocks'
'When the clock hand reaches 6, let's take a bath'
Especially for my 6-year-old son, this has made communication dramatically better. My 1-year-old daughter doesn't understand words yet, but by using gestures and showing 'when this is done, a hug,' the time she waits has surprisingly increased.
Just by being able to predict 'when and what will happen,' humans (both adults and children) can become surprisingly generous.
Manner 2: A buffer (reserve day) is 'love'
A person who declares 'I'll do it in the shortest time!' and delivers at the last minute.
A person who declares 'It will take 3 days' and delivers in 2 days.
Which one is trusted? The latter, without a doubt, right?
The more serious a person is, the more they tend to make promises on a schedule that is at their limit. But as people in the IT industry, we should know. System troubles and children's fevers occur at the 'busiest times,' just like Murphy's Law.
Do not trust your own 'estimates'
For tasks I think I can do in '1 day,' I tell the other party '1.5 to 2 days.'
This is not to slack off. It is a professional 'safety margin' to keep promises even if unforeseen circumstances occur.
If nothing happens and you finish early, you just deliver it saying, 'It was completed earlier than planned!' This becomes a happy surprise (Over Deliver) for the other party, and your evaluation goes up. This is what it means to 'exceed expectations'.
It is the same at home. Instead of blurting out, 'Let's go to the amusement park from the morning on Sunday!', say, 'I might have work in the morning, so let's go to the park in the afternoon. If I finish early, shall we go on a trip?'
This way, even if sudden work comes in, you won't be a liar, and if there is no work, the family's excitement will rise, saying 'Lucky! A trip!' Having a buffer is 'love' to protect the other party.
Manner 3: Decline what you cannot do with an 'alternative plan'
As a CS professional, or as a parent, the most courageous thing to do is to say "No".
"Can you implement this feature by next month?"
"I want a snack right now!"
You've had the experience of reflexively saying "Yes" to these, only to find yourself in a bind later, right?
Making promises you cannot keep is the most dishonest act. However, simply shutting someone down by saying "It's impossible" creates friction, whether you are a CS professional or a parent.
What you can use here is "Yes, but" rather than "No, but" technique.
Presenting a "different correct answer" instead of a denial
For clients:
"Implementing that feature by next month is difficult due to high risk (No). However, by changing this setting in the existing feature, we can meet 80% of your requirements (Alternative). How does that sound?"For children:
"You can't have a snack right now because it's before dinner (No). But, I have a special dessert ready for you once you finish all your dinner (Alternative). "
The other party doesn't feel "rejected," but rather that they have "received a different solution."
What I have learned in my career so far is that "Customers don't want features; they just want to solve their problems." If you can present an alternative that focuses on the goal without being fixated on the means, your trust will not be damaged.
Method 4: Use progress reports to "vent pressure"
No matter how perfectly you make a promise, situations can change.
Development gets delayed, a child suddenly gets a fever, deadlines for side projects overlap...
At times like this, the worst thing to do is "to wait until the last minute to say 'I couldn't do it'". This is an act that crushes the other party's expectations into the ground, and your trust balance will instantly drop into the negative.
Thoroughly practicing Bad News First
The moment you think, "Oh, things are looking shaky," is the time to report.
"We are proceeding as originally planned, but there is a possibility of a one-day delay due to an unexpected error. I am currently considering recovery measures, but I am reporting this just in case. "
Even if it's not finalized yet, just having this initial report allows the other party to "mentally prepare." It's what you might call "venting the pressure of expectations" by lowering them just a little bit."venting the pressure of expectations".
Even at home, there is a world of difference in your wife's mood (= domestic peace) between sending a LINE message at 5:00 PM saying, "Sorry, work is dragging on and I might be late. I'll hurry as much as I can, but feel free to go to sleep first," versus coming home at 10:00 PM and saying, "I'm late."
Early information is synonymous with gifting the other party "time to think of countermeasures."
Method 5: Keep a log (record) of promises
Finally, the most understated but powerful method is to keep a "log."
Nothing is more draining than a "he-said, she-said" argument.
Especially in CS work, verbal promises made over the phone or in web meetings tend to be the root cause of trouble.
After a meeting, I always make sure to send a chat or email with the 'decisions made and next actions,' even if it doesn't go as far as a full 'meeting minute'. I make it a habit.
"Thank you for your time today. Regarding the matter we just discussed, I understand it as follows.
Deadline: XX/XX
My responsibility: Creation of XX
Please let me know if there are any discrepancies in this understanding."
This is a confirmation for the other party, but at the same time, it is also a 'contract' with myself.
What about at home? I don't write meeting minutes, but sharing via a calendar app (like TimeTree) is essential. And with my children, there is the ultimate contract ritual: 'Pinky swear'.
It may sound like a joke, but for a child, a pinky swear carries more weight than an adult's contract. Leaving behind the fact that you 'made a promise' through sight and sensation—this guarantees mutual sincerity.
Summary: Make promises not to 'keep them,' but to 'build trust.'
So far, I have talked about the 'art of promising' from both the CS and parenting perspectives.
Eliminate ambiguous language and define things with numbers and facts
Include a buffer (spare days) when making promises
When you can't deliver, provide an alternative
Report early when things get tough and adjust expectations
Visualize consensus building through logs and rituals
These are not techniques to control others and make things easier for yourself. Rather, they are 'consideration' to remove the other person's anxiety and build long-term trust.
Whether it's accompanying a customer's success as a CS professional or watching over a child's growth as a parent, the foundation is 'trust'.
'That person always does what they say they will.'
'Daddy always keeps his promises.'
If people think that of us, both our work and our parenting will surely become a little bit easier than they are now.
You don't need to be a perfect superman.
Why not start by increasing the resolution of the small promises you make today?
If you found this article helpful, please give it a like or share it! It encourages me to keep writing!