A Challenge to My Past Self

I overturned a bucket containing 35 years' worth of stuff

This is what has happened to me over the past six months.
(There are some things I can't even write about. Haha)




The events of the past six months
flashed before my eyes like a deathbed vision this morning (Am I dying? Haha) and I thought,

I really overturned a bucket containing 35 years' worth of stuff.

What was inside the bucket

Trusting my own senses,
doing what I want to do rather than what others think,
I had already understood those things long ago
and thought I was living that way enough already.



But perhaps that was more of a
thing I had“trained myself to do through effort”over the last 5 or 6 years,
so at the bottom of my bucket,

“meeting someone else's expectations,”
“others are more right than me,”
“not wanting to make anyone angry”

were still rolling around.




As long as those were there,
no matter how much I tried to do what I wanted to do now,
or how thoroughly I followed my senses,
I would get snagged every time something happened.

No matter how small it was.
Like a fish bone stuck in my throat.




Even if there were patterns where it became so normal I didn't realize it was snagged,
or patterns where I gave myself permission thinking,
“this much is no big deal.”
I don't know what triggered it, but




one day the bucket suddenly overturned,
and I experienced things I had never experienced before

one after another (including the slipped disc lol),
and all kinds of emotions that came with them were released.

It felt like black liquid was pouring out of me endlessly.



And then the bucket became completely empty. Haha

What I thought when I saw the empty bucket

I realized that I hadn't trusted myself
nearly as much as I thought I had.

That’s what I thought.



“Meeting someone else's expectations,”
“others are more right than me,”
“not wanting to make anyone angry”

Those kinds of feelings were surely
tossed in there early in my life
when I was just becoming aware of things.



So, even though they were faintly snagged like a fish bone,
maybe I thought they weren't worth paying attention to.
That said,


I have no intention of denying my past self at all.
I had them because I needed them up until now.

I think that's all it was.



But, I don't need them from here on out.I must have realized that clearly and decisively.
Precisely because it became completely empty,






“I’m starting fresh from here”

I made up my mind.

The birth of the crazy me

There is something I realized when the bucket became empty.


No matter how much I overturned it and emptied it,
people have past experiences and memories.

It means I tend to unconsciously try to carry them over.

I tend to try to put the same things as the past
into that empty space.

The same ways of making choices,
building relationships, and perceiving things—
because that's all I know, I tend to choose them again.




Especially when people feel impatient or anxious,
“it was like this in the past,”
“usually you do this”
they are inevitably pulled by those things.


“Oh, I’m about to choose the same thing here,”

“Oh, I’m scared of deviating from the norm right now.”

I experienced realizing that at the same time as I felt it myself.
I realized how different my own senses are from others,



and I realized once again how detailed they are.
My own senses became very prominent.

I feel it's more accurate to say that because it was empty,

it sharpened on its own. Haha
Because there is no point in putting the same things back


into a bucket that I went to the trouble of emptying.
At the timing when the bucket overturned





and became completely empty,


I became desperate to write,my wake-up time became even earlier (finally entering the 5 o'clock hour),
my daily broadcasts in the community exceeded one hour,
I started walking 10,000 steps every day,
I became selective about who I meet, and accelerated my reclusive tendencies,

I started becoming sensitive to my own senses as if I were a neat freak,
and the crazy me was born. Haha
At the same time, I also felt like I had regained silence within myself.

The reason I can think it's no big deal
even if reality breaks a little.

I'll talk about something a bit realistic,
but since I chose the freelance way of working,
basically there is no income unless I move or take action.



Maybe I should do something,
maybe I should recruit for that (thing I used to do),

I think for a moment.


I also thought, it wouldn't be good if things stayed like this.



But those thoughts and the ideas that come up are all,
all pulled from the past, so
I feel a sense of discomfort with that now.


The old me would have dismissed this feeling as“being soft on myself,”and I think I would have desperately tried to compromise
so that no distortions would occur in reality.



But now, even if I'm scared, I'm trying to stick to “doing nothing.”That doesn't mean I'm lethargic; it's actually the opposite.






“I can do anything,”“I can become anyone”

precisely because I have that conviction,

I won't easily fill the bucket with past answers or experiences anymore.Right now, I am choosing the most active form of “doing nothing,”


which is just waiting for high-purity inspiration. HahaThat said,




no matter how much I see something, I get impatient,
and I could do something that looks like the right answer and feel relieved.
But no matter how far I go with that,


it's just tracing someone else's (including my past self's) thoughts
or someone else's right answers.
I'm trying to thoroughly not do those things.





How do I feel?What do I want to do?

I'm going to spend my energy thoroughly only on that
and focus on filling a new bucket,
I'm going to try it as an experiment.
Maybe in reality, money, work, and relationships





might break a little.
(I'm scared that I'm actually a little excited lol)
But for me right now, ignoring my own senses



is much scarier than reality breaking a little bit.


That's why I'm not afraid of anything right now.I am very proud that I have become able to think that way.



It's not that I have hostility toward anyone,




and I don't want to break reality unnecessarily,

this is just a challenge to my past self.⭐︎You in the past were wonderful too,



but the current me is more like you and much more wonderful.
So that the me a little further in the future

can say that with confidence.





How do I feel?What do I want to do?

While just continuing to ask that,
even while sometimes fearing being disliked
or being left behind.
I am doing “doing nothing” again today. Haha

I'm having even deeper conversations in the community.♡