[Novel] Unadulterated Hypocrisy #8

By the time winter break was a month away, I had started spending all my time in the student council room. After school, someone was always there with the door unlocked, and even on days without meetings, my feet naturally headed that way.

As for Manami, there were days I went to pick her up in the morning, and days I didn't. For me, it had become nothing more than a "performance." Even if I invited her, she wouldn't go anyway. I felt that Manami had long since seen through the fact that my invitations were just a formality layered over that resignation. And because I was afraid of confirming that, I stayed away even more. If her teacher or aunt asked me, "Have you been picking her up lately?" or "Why don't you come pick her up?", I had already prepared excuses in my heart, such as,
"I've been running a bit late in the mornings lately,"
or "I thought it might be a burden if I went to pick her up."

In the classroom, I was completely alienated from Ayako's group. The only person I could talk to properly in class was Hiromi, a friend from before Manami stopped coming to school. The classroom itself had become a terribly uncomfortable place for me.

In the student council room, there was no weird peer pressure or forced laughter. It was an atmosphere where being considerate of others was the norm. This was the kind of place I had been looking for. I had finally found a space where I didn't have to think about wanting to be alone.

There was a boy I was interested in in the student council room.
Daiki Matsuoka, whose existence I had known since he was a first-year in the broadcasting committee. Like me, he had become the committee chair, and he was famous for playing strange songs during lunch. I couldn't tell if they were oldies or the latest hits. Also, for some reason, everyone would burst out laughing at his announcements, which sounded like he was muttering to himself.
"Matsuoka is so funny. I wish he'd stop playing weird songs and play SPEED or Tomo-chan instead."
Ayako would laugh with her entourage like that.
However, there was a rumor that Daiki was "involved" with the female broadcasting committee chair from the previous year. While keeping his distance from the so-called "popular types"—of which there were two or three in our grade—he was like a deep-sea creature that attracted people with a mysterious aura.

One day after student council ended, as I was walking home with Kyoko, she said,
"I think I might like Matsuoka-kun."
When Kyoko said that, I didn't feel like "she beat me to it"; instead, a thought floated vaguely in my mind like a headline in a newspaper from a distant town: "A friend since elementary school has finally moved on from teen novels and awakened to real love."

Before I knew it, she was talking to Daiki often. Daiki would say something weird, and Kyoko would burst into laughter.
When I saw that scene, I realized for the first time,
"Oh, maybe I like Daiki too." I didn't want him taken by Kyoko. However, it seemed Daiki was dating a senior, and in any case, our feelings probably wouldn't reach him. I felt a sense of relief, however painful it was. Since we lived in the same direction, the three of us started walking home together more often, but whenever I had to head in a different direction for cram school, Kyoko and Daiki would be left alone. Every time that happened, I was struck by the urge to skip cram school.

"Kaoru, listen. I confessed to Matsuoka-kun."
On the way home one day, I stood frozen at the words Kyoko told me.
"Wait, isn't he dating a senior?"
"She found someone else she likes. Matsuoka-kun was so depressed, and I... I just had to say it."
Kyoko laughed shyly, her cheeks turning red. Kyoko, who was always smiling, positive, and without any darkness, was dazzling. And I felt that her brightness was ill-suited to Daiki's ennui-filled atmosphere—

"You two don't suit each other at all. I hope he turns you down."
Even though I prayed for that, Kyoko's love blossomed.

The student council room was no longer my place.

At night, while pretending to study, I listened to Tomomi Kahara's album on my headphones the whole time. The sweet lyrics and melodies about a lover-producer. I cried at the happy singing voice. It was like shock therapy for my heart, which felt like it was being crushed by sadness.

One day, I was called out by Iida-kun, whom I bumped into on the stairs during lunch break.
"Ami, I have a favor to ask."
"A favor? What is it?"
"Could you come to the third floor of the north staircase at four o'clock today?"
"Sure, but... can't we do it in the student council room?"
"Yeah, I'd prefer somewhere without other people around."
"...Yeah, okay."
Why the stairs? I imagined a scenario like I often saw in "Ribon" magazine, thinking it was like being confessed to, but I dismissed it, thinking that couldn't possibly happen with Iida-kun.

The third floor of the north staircase was at the edge of the school building, partially used as a storage area with judo mats and the like. I headed to the third floor of the north staircase, wondering if there was some matter related to the public relations committee and the treasurer that shouldn't be known to others.

In the dusty air, Iida-kun was sitting on the judo mats.
"Oh, sorry I'm late."
"No... hey, I have a favor to ask you, Ami."
He stood up and approached me. I flinched for a moment at his desperate expression.
"I like you, Ami."
"Huh?"

I-like-you—
The sound and the meaning wouldn't connect. My heartbeat suddenly quieted, and the mucous membranes in my throat hardened as if they were stuck to the inside, leaving me parched. No voice came out. Iida-kun, likes me?

He said something after that, but I don't remember much. What I do remember is the story of why he ran for student council.
One reason was for his school records.
The other was because he thought I might become the chair of the public relations department—

"Ami... do you like Matsuoka?"
I stood there like a dried-up mummy, completely flushed. He knew. Was I that easy to read...?
"No, yeah, I guess I like him. But I don't really know."
I said it as if squeezing it out of my throat. The honesty of thinking it was better not to lie and the hesitation about whether I should tell the truth were busily crossing in my brain.
"Anyway, sorry, so..."
That was all I could manage to say, and I could only leave the place as if running away.

That day, I clearly realized that I did indeed like Daiki. But at the same time, it was a definitive heartbreak. It was like having colored water splashed onto muddy water; I didn't know what was what anymore. I went home, crawled into bed, and cried my eyes out. Without even knowing what I was so sad about.

When I realized it, I was having a dream. I was being chased by someone in the school at night. I had to hide somewhere. As if I was always expected to do something and being forced—I felt like I wouldn't be forgiven if I didn't respond. I ran around the school, hiding so I wouldn't be found. Cornered, I escaped into a toilet stall, and someone knocked, gradually closing in. Darkness and humidity. A foul odor. I woke up at the same time I fainted from fear.

My mother, who had returned from her part-time job at a seafood processing plant, called out to me while changing clothes as I sat in a daze.
"You fell asleep in your uniform? Go change. By the way, I ran into Manami-chan's mother earlier."
"A dream... oh, thank goodness."
While I was struggling to return to the real world, my mother rattled on without caring.
"It seems the poem Manami-chan wrote at school was selected for a contest in Sapporo. That's amazing. She's such a dull child, I never knew she had such a talent."
A theatrical tone, as if to say, "Good grief." This person had a habit of stabbing people while praising them. As if she thought that if she didn't do that, some kind of balance would collapse.
I was still sharing the cramped six-tatami room with my mother. I want my own room. Does Manami still sleep between her parents? This honor of Manami's unexpectedly scratched at my heart. My Japanese grades are the best in the grade. As the public relations committee chair, I'm the one who handles the final proofing of the school paper published every month. I should have more of a sense for words. Why does a poet-wannabe who cries just because a clock stopped—

On days when I had to go to the student council room for meetings, my steps toward school were heavy. Even though I didn't want to go, I still attached weights to myself, eventually diving into the sea of the student council room and sinking deep. For someone like me who lacks self-confidence, it was true that the fact that the high-achieving Iida-kun liked me was a pillar of support. Even though I didn't want anyone to know, I wanted to brag to everyone. The fact that an excellent person liked me felt like proof that I was an incredibly wonderful person, even more than I realized myself. Even though I knew how embarrassing and strange that thought was, I couldn't stop myself from thinking it. However, it is truly regrettable that I cannot bring myself to like Iida-kun. Even though I'm happy to be liked, it's so frustrating that I can't return those feelings.

On the afternoon of the day before the closing ceremony, I watched the snow falling silently from the sky through the student council room window. No matter how much the seawater seeps in, I cannot leave this place, which is still easier to swim in than that classroom.
I had kept some distance from Kyoko and Daiki, and I was so awkward that I couldn't even look Iida-kun in the face properly. It was to the point where Mr. Katsuyama, the student council advisor, asked me, "Omi, are you alright lately?"

I had cram school that day too, and as I was walking alone, I felt someone chasing after me from behind.
Who? When I turned around, it was Iida-kun. I didn't know what to do, so I ran. Trying not to fall on the snow that was starting to pile up—
"Omi, wait."
I was caught up to in an instant by him as he picked up his pace. He looked me straight in the face and said,
"Omi, when... when will I get an answer?"
A month was about to pass since he confessed to me. Why do I keep leaving Iida-kun's confession hanging? It's because I think it would be "a waste to turn him down." But dragging it out any longer is truly cruel—
"I'm sorry, Iida-kun, I can't think of you that way."
"I see... Omi, are you going out with Matsuoka?"
"Eh... that's impossible, though..."
Iida-kun doesn't know that Daiki is going out with Kyoko. Things I hadn't been able to keep inside my heart overflowed from my eyes one after another. I didn't even have the luxury of thinking about how bad I felt for Iida-kun. I soaked the neatly ironed handkerchief he handed me without reservation. I didn't want to let go of this person who was kind to me when no one else would pay me any mind. I didn't know at the time that this was called "keeping someone on the hook."

After winter break, Iida-kun gave me a copy of his notes on plant photosynthesis.
"If my study materials are any good to you, I'll give them to you too, Omi. Let's do our best together."
It seemed Iida-kun was aiming for the top public high school in Sapporo. Even though his brain is on a different level than mine, he never once looked down on me. I was so grateful for that attitude that I found myself unable to be cold to him, no matter what.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring

Ah, it's the third time, finally. To think it would come at this timing.
Tomorrow is the day I go to Yuka's junior high school, and after dinner, I was ironing a shirt.
Two weeks had passed since the last phone call.

—Iida-kun.
Isn't he still holding a grudge against the selfish me who just wanted to distract myself from loneliness? I had completely forgotten about it after reuniting with Manami that day, but those words he whispered in my ear, "You have a sex appeal you didn't have back then"—
I remembered and shuddered. Could it be that Iida-kun is calling to settle the grudge of being toyed with during his important exam period before I get married? I held my breath and picked up the receiver.