Aftereffects

Still manipulated by my memories
I welcome another new summer this year

The person I once loved
The daily life that was taken for granted by us both
I feel regret every time I remember it

No matter how much time passes
The experiences I have accumulated
Cannot simply be undone
With only a token show of bravado
I have no intention of diluting the fading shadows of the past
And running away

Some people might call that
"Aftereffects"
I am neither good at
Nor fond of tidying up my soiled body
I can never return to zero
With a sin greater than one carved into my body

Drowning in love, I
Laughed, saying there was no such thing as a future
Just wishing it wouldn't end
I broke myself, chose loneliness
And devoted my life to serving as a puppet

Because, what else could I do?
Since you needed me
And used me so transparently
I used you too
We're even, aren't we?

You laughed a lot too
Saying you wished the world would just end right then
Looking so happy and content
With a face so innocent
Like a child playing on playground equipment

Every day, every day, you begged for snacks
So for your sake
I did my best to make them
Even when you were too full to move
You'd keep begging for more, more, and more
Always asking for more
It's truly too ridiculous, isn't it?

Because I was afraid that if I said there were no more snacks,
you would say, "Then bye-bye,"
I was so, so afraid,
that I never let the snacks run out.
Only in that regard,
I was a brilliant dark hero.

I try my best to remember
at least the happy moments,
squeezing my eyes shut to try,
but there is nothing there.
Because I was always on edge,
I cannot remember a single thing.

It's just that I felt
your animalistic, instinctual side,
which no one else knew,
closer than anyone else.
That is all there was, and it makes me very sad.

But I believe now
that there must have been lessons learned.
They may not be lessons I can be proud of,
but I have become able to
distinguish between good and bad.
For the rest of my life,
for the sake of someone's future,
so that I can show something,
I will keep looking forward and walking on.

Baring my fangs at the sun
above, colored in a vivid blue.

It has been a long time.

I am enjoying summer to the fullest.
I hope you all have a wonderful summer as well.

*Kairai (puppet) refers to a marionette.
I use the expression 'it can't be helped' in the work, but I personally hold the belief that there is no such thing as something that cannot be helped.
The phrase 'it can't be helped, can it?' within the work is a slightly cynical, condescending play on words.
The reason I specifically chose the word 'life' for the part about exhausting one's life is because it was a matter of life and death.