I started blogging to change how I work. But the one who changed the most was me.

I list blogging as one of the things I have continued to do on my profile.

But recently, I had an opportunity to rethink, "Why do I keep writing this blog?"

At first, I thought the answer would come easily.

"Because I wanted to be independent."

I thought that was the end of the story.

But as I looked back, there were many things that couldn't be explained by that alone.

What I really wanted to change was my way of working

When I started my blog, I was a company employee.

The company I had been working for was so busy that everyone there couldn't find time for their families.

As was the case with everyone else, I also couldn't spend enough time with my family.

That is why my desire to "become independent" grew stronger.

But when I dug deeper into that reason, it connected to experiences from even further back.

When I was a child, my father was busy with work and didn't spend much time at home.

As a result, my mother became mentally ill, and my younger brother and I grew up affected by that.

Of course, I don't think that was the only cause.

But there was something I felt even as a child.

It was that "being busy with work" and "a family running smoothly" are not necessarily the same thing.

That is why, after becoming an adult,

"I want to work in a way where I can choose my own time with my family"

was a thought that was always somewhere in my heart.

Blogging was the means to that end.

Back then, I thought 'quantity' was the answer.

When I first started blogging, I didn't have much money, partly because my salary was low.

I couldn't afford to invest in teaching materials or tools.

So, the only thing I could do was spend my time.

I would write after coming home from work.

I would write on my days off, too.

Daily posts, massive amounts of posts.

For over three years, I kept posting without taking a single day off.

'If I keep going, it will pay off someday.'

I truly believed that.

In reality, it wasn't that I had zero income.

But even after continuing for over three years, I hadn't reached the future I had envisioned.

That was when I thought for the first time:

'If I write every day, it might pay off someday. But when exactly is that "someday"?'

Around that time, I received a writing request from someone I was close with through blogging on X, so I decided to stop updating my blog for a while.

What I realized for the first time after stepping away from blogging

Writing work was completely different from blogging.

At first, because it was a request from someone I was close with, it went smoothly, and I thought, 'Maybe I can do this!'

But when I tried applying for projects I found on outsourcing sites and X, the reality was not so sweet.

I am relearning the basics of writing.

There are many revisions, and balancing it with my job as a company employee is harder than I thought.

"Am I really suited for a job that involves writing?"

I even thought about things like that.

But it was strange.

Even though it was difficult, I never felt that writing was unpleasant.

At that moment, I suddenly remembered the past.

How I had been writing a blog since I got my first laptop at 18.

How I used to write diaries on mixi.

How I kept writing naturally, without anyone telling me to.

That was when I realized it for the first time.

"Ah, I loved writing after all."

By writing, I was organizing my feelings.

Looking back even further, I realized one more thing.

I wasn't just writing.

While writing, I was organizing my own feelings.

When I was a child, there were times I couldn't put my thoughts into words well.

"Even if I speak, it doesn't get through."

Common sense and the ordinary didn't apply to my mother, who suffered from mental illness.

As a result, there were not a few situations where I felt that way.

But with writing, I can think at my own pace.

What do I want to write?

Why did I think that way?

As I write, feelings I hadn't even noticed myself start to emerge.

Perhaps that is why I have been writing for nearly 20 years.

The role of my blog has changed a little now.

Of course, the blog is still one of my important jobs.

But it is not just that.

It is a place where I can introduce my favorite anime in my own words.

And it is also a place to organize what I feel and what I am thinking.

Looking back, I started blogging to change how I work.

But perhaps the thing that changed the most was not my way of working, but myself.

That is why I am still writing today.

Because every time I write, I have new realizations.

And I feel that those realizations lead to my next way of working and living.

This time, I wrote about the things I realized while continuing to blog.

In fact, I am still writing on my blog about my favorite anime and games.

If you are interested in seeing what kind of words I use to introduce them, I would be happy if you took a look here.

Thank you for always reading.

In this note, I observe my own insights and hypotheses triggered by daily events.

Rather than conveying the correct answer, I would be happy if I could provide a spark for you to think, 'What about me?'

Whether you agree or have a completely different perspective, that is fine.

I would be happy if we could think about it together in the comments.