I call myself a 'giant mom,' but people think I lack any maternal qualities whatsoever

Good evening. I am a 4L mom.

I have a younger brother with a disability. I am what is known as a 'sibling child'.

My mother was a former 'young lady' who loved being the only woman among men and being pampered. She was bad at interacting with other women, doted on her younger brother (my uncle), and preferred boys over girls. In fact, when I was born first, she seemed to dislike that I was doted on by male relatives like my father, both grandfathers, and my great-grandfather. She even told me, 'If you were a boy, one child would have been enough.' Also, because she loved her own younger brother so much, she assumed that older children would automatically take care of and dote on their younger siblings.

I have a younger sister born a year after me. When I was in first grade and my sister was in her final year of preschool, we received New Year's money from relatives: 3,000 yen for me and 1,000 yen for my sister. I assume they made a distinction between an elementary schooler and a preschooler, but my mother said, 'You're the big sister, so give 1,000 yen to your sister,' an event I will never forget for the rest of my life. I protested to my mother, asking why I had to give it away when I received more because I was the older sister and an elementary schooler, so she seemed to think I was an unlovable child. Even when I showed her my report cards or certificates, she never praised me, instead saying, 'Instead of that, take care of your younger brother and sister.' That was frustrating, so I did my best in things I thought I was good at back then, such as studying, reading, lessons, and singing.

Thinking back, I had characteristics of a neurodevelopmental disorder from that time, and there are many points that ring true. Usually, in the above situation, I think many children would reluctantly go along with it and take care of their younger siblings to read the room, but I had no idea how to take care of or dote on younger children. Even as I improved at things I could do, I simply could not do the things I couldn't. My life was truly painful because I lacked the abilities that are supposedly automatically equipped in girls, but I think I was also a difficult child for those around me because I couldn't read the room and was stubborn.

I really think that the 'this is how a girl should be' element and the characteristics of a neurodevelopmental disorder are incompatible, or rather, the exact opposite. I am particularly bad at flexibly changing my response depending on the person or situation. Many women are good at this, and after giving birth, memories of being mocked by my mother and mother-in-law for not being able to do so have come back to me, and I am very offended.

I don't have many memories of being doted on by my mother.
That might be the reason why I wish to 'be number one,' 'be evaluated by others,' and 'demonstrate my abilities (even though I don't have any).' But perhaps because I want attention, or simply because I am a fool, I think I underestimated my own abilities, made big claims, and lost even more trust.

In the end, I couldn't be number one at anything, couldn't navigate the world well, and lived a boring life where I was just mocked. I have two daughters now, but I make sure not to say 'because you're the big sister' to my older daughter.

However, sometimes my older daughter says, 'I'm tired of being the big sister, I don't want to do it.' I don't remember ever asking my older daughter to take care of her younger sister, but perhaps it's because the younger one is naturally clingy and sticks to the older one, and the 'common sense' that big sisters should take care of younger siblings is so rampant in society that my older daughter believes it too—but she wants to play alone quietly sometimes—so it might be a flow of 'I'm tired/I'm done.' Although they are my own children, I am still unable to take care of or look after my daughters, who are individuals other than myself, so I might have been unconsciously trying to get my older daughter to look after the younger one. When my older daughter complains like that, I have my husband take the younger one so she can relax alone.