My Third Son's Return to Kindergarten and My Emotional Turmoil (Part 2)

— The “True Self” Revealed Through Conversations with the Psychologist —

The day of the meeting with the psychologist.
That morning, my third son was to be observed by the psychologist at the kindergarten, and in the afternoon, the four of us—my husband and I, the homeroom teacher, and the psychologist—would have a discussion.

My third son’s personality is laid-back, stubborn, and possesses the classic youngest-child trait of “I can do it myself, but I want you to do it for me.”
Taking that into account, the version of my son that the psychologist saw was even more “himself” than we had imagined.

1. What the psychologist felt after observing him in the morning

The psychologist summarized my son’s behavior as follows:

• He is not the type to strongly refuse things he doesn't want to do by saying “No!”; instead, he skillfully dodges them and just doesn't do them.

• He understands what he needs to do, so there are absolutely no issues with his capabilities.

• He won't do things he doesn't want to do unless he feels motivated.

• When it comes to play, he focuses entirely on what interests him. He completely shuts out anything he isn't interested in.

• Regarding people, he clearly distinguishes between teachers he likes or people he is interested in and those he is not.

Listening to this, I thought, “Ah, that is exactly my third son.”
He had those tendencies even before his hospitalization, but perhaps his “own world” has become even stronger after his time in the hospital.

2. The background and home situation we shared as parents

My husband and I carefully explained the circumstances leading up to this point.

• The nearly three months we spent separated due to his hospitalization had a major impact on the entire family.

• Since his older siblings, in particular, were unable to see him at all, they felt a strong desire to “be kind to him” and “do everything for him” after he was discharged.

• My husband and I felt the same way, and we ended up doing too much for him.

• Even at home, it's clear when he's motivated and when he's not.

• My third son is stubborn, and his personality is almost identical to my eldest daughter's.

• The pain of being hospitalized, the pain of saying goodbye at the end of visiting hours...
  I wonder if his defiance, asking 'Why do I have to try again?', stems from that accumulation of experiences.

As we talked, I also remembered 'how my third son felt back then,' and my heart tightened.

3. The 'true nature' of my third son as assessed by the psychologist

The psychologist's words were a mix of surprise and realization.

• My third son has a 'king-like temperament.' He thinks it's natural for things to be done for him.

• He understands what he needs to do, but his stance is, 'It's fine for the teacher to do it for me.'

• Especially since many of the girls are very caring, he accepts their help quite confidently.

• Or rather, he is confident in general.

• He isn't rebelling against things he doesn't want to do; he is 'patiently waiting for someone else to do them for him.'

• However, he is highly sensitive, reacting quickly to the teacher's voice.

• It feels more like 'adolescence' than the 'terrible twos.' His mental age is a bit high.

• He has learned well that 'if I do this, this will happen' or 'if I say this, they will do this for me,' so in a sense, he is very clever.

• However, if that isn't accompanied by a 'feeling of gratitude,' it could affect his future relationships.

• Because he is a boy, I want to prioritize his 'independence.'

• For independence, 'his own motivation' is essential.

• Instead of not saying anything, it is effective to provide him with choices and information.

• Give him a role, and when he succeeds, praise him as much as possible.

• It is important to build up a sense of feeling useful.

• But don't rush; taking it one step at a time is fine.

• My third son's emotional wounds have already healed since his discharge from the hospital.

• That is proof that our family has poured plenty of love into him, which is truly wonderful.

• Now, about a year after his hospitalization, is the time when parents are most likely to experience flashbacks.

• That is precisely why parents are also prone to being on guard.

• The most important thing is for Mom and Dad to stay healthy. I want you to take care of your own well-being.

Each and every word sank straight into my heart.

4. Advice from the psychologist to the homeroom teacher

The psychologist also shared these words with the homeroom teacher.

• There are absolutely no issues with his abilities, so it just depends on my third son's 'motivation'.

• If he relies too much on the teacher doing things for him or staying by his side, it easily leads to a vicious cycle.

• That is why I want you to engage with him patiently.

• Sometimes your gentle encouragement can flip his switch, so please continue to do so.

My third son is not a 'child who cannot do it,' but a 'child who does not do it.'
With that distinction made clear, my heart felt a little lighter.

How I felt after the discussion

Honestly, I'm glad we talked.
Or rather, the psychologist is amazing for being able to understand this much just by observing him in the morning.

Knowing that his ability level was just a case of 'he can do it but doesn't' actually gave me peace of mind.
I now have a clearer idea of how to interact with him, both at home and at kindergarten.

However, I was still hurt by the tone and expression the homeroom teacher used when she first told me, "I want to consult with the school psychologist."
The head teacher, who had been listening nearby, also checked in on me later, so I was able to subtly convey how worried and pained I had been.

The way something is said can greatly change how the recipient feels.
But I also understood that the teachers were doing their best for my third son in their own way, and by sharing how to interact with him moving forward, I was able to keep my frustration from growing any further.

I hope that one day, I'll be able to laugh about how I was worrying over things like this.
I hope we can move forward, little by little, at my third son's own pace.

#Parenting #Kindergarten #DesignatedIntractableDisease #HospitalLife #PsychologicalConsultation #ThirdSon #ParentingRecord #PreparationForJuniorYear #MothersFeelings #DevelopmentAndPersonality