The Ticket Machine is Lost: Matsuya's Choice

I want to eat a beef bowl.

That day, I wasn't wavering. When I start thinking about lunch, a meeting begins in my head: 'Should I have ramen? McDonald's is hard to pass up, no, I had McDonald's yesterday,' and I spend half my lunch break deciding what to eat.
However, that day, it was a beef bowl from the start. I'd add pickled ginger halfway through, sprinkle on some shichimi pepper. In my mouth, the second half of the beef bowl experience had already begun.

So, I went into Matsuya. However, that store was a combined location with Matsunoya.

The greed of the ticket machine is terrifying. It doesn't just have beef bowls; it lists loin cutlet set meals, miso loin cutlet set meals, fried chicken set meals, and even curry. I entered the store to eat a beef bowl, but the store kept presenting me with different lives.
Moreover, the loin cutlet set meal comes with free rice refills. I could even see a future of a second bowl, which wasn't an option with the beef bowl.

I think I only stood in front of the ticket machine for about a minute. I came to eat a beef bowl. That was unwavering. When I moved the screen, curry appeared. The curry at a beef bowl shop never misses a moment when your resolve weakens. It even displays fried chicken toppings.

As a result, I pressed the button for the loin cutlet set meal. And I even added fried chicken. I came to eat a beef bowl, yet I was holding a meal ticket that contained absolutely no beef.

I used to think that making a choice meant deciding something of your own free will. But in reality, perhaps I am just insisting that 'this is what I chose' while being pushed along by phrases like 'free rice refills,' photos of limited-time offers, and menu items I feel I'll never see again if I don't press them now.

While reading Hanako-san's 'Haruka-sama is Lost,' I was reminded of the ticket machine that day.

Haruka-sama is a princess. You might think that as a princess, her lunch would be brought to her without her having to worry, but in reality, it was the opposite. Even after conceiving a child with someone she loves, she cannot decide based solely on whether she 'wants to give birth.'
Her position as royalty, the eyes of those around her, the voices of the citizens, and the fact that she is not yet married are lined up more heavily than the buttons on a ticket machine.

If I get lost at a Matsuya ticket machine, the most that happens is I feel a little pressure from the person behind me. In Haruka-sama's case, no matter which button she presses, the whole country is stirred up. She can't even close the screen and leave the shop.

Haruka-sama didn't have her own answer from the start. She moves forward and stops, turns back from the path she thought she had decided on, wavers at the words of those around her, and yet, in the end, she chooses again for herself. Just as the title says, she is lost the whole time.
But that hesitation is different from indecisiveness. People who don't think about anything don't get lost in the first place. The more things you want to protect, the less the path remains a single line.

I used to think that making a decision was as simple as a Matsuya ticket machine.
If you want to eat a beef bowl, you just press the beef bowl button. If you want to be with someone, you just choose the path of being with them.
However, if you choose one thing, the next problem shows its face from behind it. Every time you press a button on the ticket machine of life, it adds new buttons.

And sometimes, you are more lost after choosing than you were before.
Even after I gave up on the beef bowl and chose the loin cutlet set meal, I was curious about the photo of the curry until the food arrived. Making a decision doesn't mean your hesitation disappears.
'Maybe it was wrong after all'—a ghost watches me from beside the button I didn't press.

I think Haruka-sama, too, was confronted with whether it was really okay precisely because she had decided once. The more convenient an option is for the country or society rather than for the person herself, the more prominently it is displayed in a large space.
She isn't lost because she can't decide. She is lost because she is looking for a path she can take responsibility for herself, rather than a path decided by someone else.

What left an impression on me in the story was the scene where Haruka-sama re-chooses the answer she had once given at the very last moment.

I used to think that being lost after making a decision was somehow uncool.

'Since you decided it yourself, see it through to the end.'
'Changing your mind halfway shows a weak will.'

Such words are convenient for those who are watching someone else's choices from the outside. However, there are feelings you couldn't see when you made the decision that you can only see because you have progressed that far.

If it were a ticket machine, you could press the 'back' button to return to the first screen. Life has no such kind display. Even so, Haruka-sama found the 'back' button within herself.
It takes far more strength to re-choose when you think you've made a mistake than it does to not make a mistake at all.

My loin cutlet set meal was brought to me. Since I also added fried chicken, it was quite a spectacle.

Having also thoroughly enjoyed the free rice refills, I left the store feeling full.
The loin cutlet and the fried chicken were both delicious. There should be no reason to regret it, yet a small void remained deep in my chest, one that only those who couldn't eat the beef bowl can hold.

Diagonally across the street was Yoshinoya. Kimura Takuya was holding a beef bowl, looking at me.

Perhaps I should have gone to Yoshinoya to eat a beef bowl after all.
However, I know. If I go into Yoshinoya, I'll want to order the fried chicken.

People do not stop being lost the moment they make a choice. Beyond that choice, the next uncertainty awaits.

Haruka-sama reached the life she chose for herself after much wandering. Will the day ever come when I, too, can press the beef bowl button? To do that, I have no choice but to go somewhere that is neither Matsuya nor Yoshinoya.

...After all, the only one I can believe in is Satomi Ishihara-sama.