What people who think 'for some reason I am disliked' are doing unconsciously

Six years ago, I wrote this on Facebook.

That is what I wrote.
By the way, a confusion spell is
a spell from Dragon Quest that confuses the opponent.

Reading it again,
I thought it was
important for modern human relationships,
so I decided to add to it.

As a simple interaction,
saying 'the product is currently out of stock' is a fact, so
you just need to confirm and verify
the reason it is not there and whether it can be obtained.

That is all.

Since I don't even know if it was a blunder or a mistake yet,
I don't know if an apology is necessary.

So first, what happened?
Where was the problem?
What is the other party claiming?
First, grasp the situation.

If there is anything to apologize for at this stage,
I might apologize for
'causing confusion' or 'causing anxiety'.

However, even at a stage where it is not yet known
if an apology is necessary,

just by being asked,
'Why did this happen?'

there are quite a few people who answer,
'I'm sorry. I will be careful.'

Inside the person who was asked,

Asked a question
↓
There was some problem (they think)
↓
Made the other party uncomfortable (they think)
↓
I am at fault (they conclude on their own)
↓
Must apologize

This process is likely happening in an instant.

The biggest problem here is
ending the problem
without grasping what actually happened.

If you do that,
you will have no idea how to deal with it.
You won't find any solutions or be able to make improvements.
You won't even know what happened.

In other words, you will repeat the same thing again.

While remaining at odds,
without moving toward any resolution.

Only a reckless conclusion remains, such as,'I guess I really am the kind of person who makes people uncomfortable.'

And as that conclusion lingers,
biased field data that says you are the kind of person who makes people angry
just keeps piling up.

Even though you were just asking a question,
why did you think you made them angry?
Why did it end up with you apologizing?

Is it possible that it wasn't you who made the other person uncomfortable, but rather,
the premise within you that says 'I am a person who makes others uncomfortable'
caused you to perceive their question as anger?

I myself used to be like that,

thinking, 'For some reason, I am a person who gets disliked.'
'I make people uncomfortable.'

I had that kind of self-image.
So, whenever something happened between me and someone else,
I would think, 'See, it happened again,'
without doubting it or checking it at all.

Therefore, within myself, the evidence that
'I was scolded' or
'I was disliked'—a self-directed drama—just kept increasing.

People view events through the lens of who they think they are.

If you think you are a person who gets disliked,

a question might look like criticism.
A confirmation might look like an interrogation.
A moment of silence might look like displeasure.

And, every time that happens,

See, I am disliked after all.
They think they have deepened their understanding of themselves.

But that is not understanding,

it is just fitting events
into the answer they already had from the start.
I now know that the facts are completely different.

The human brain does not re-verify
what it once decided was true from scratch every time.

If you think you are disliked,
you become more likely to pick up information that makes it look like you are disliked.

And, in line with that premise,
even your own behavior starts to change.

In reality, events are colorless and transparent.
It is you who are assigning meaning to them.

That is why when you encounter a problem,
it is important to first make the event colorless and transparent.

With just a single word,
you can sometimes create victims and perpetrators.

The boss might not be angry at all,
and in fact, if it's going to take longer, they might even say,
'It's not urgent, so you can go home.'

Because you don't know the other person's intentions until you ask.

The process of confirming the other person's intentions.

Honestly, I think this process is
extremely troublesome.

Is my work speed slow?
Is there something else I should be doing?
Was the deadline schedule wrong?
I'm likely to finish around this time, is there anything else?

There are many things to ask.

However, without unnecessary back-and-forth,
it is overwhelmingly faster to just apologize.

Staying silent, swallowing what you want to say,
and apologizing makes the situation settle down smoothly.

Or, it is much easier to simply
cut off the relationship.

If your boss is also someone who doesn't pry too deeply,
they might just say something like 'If you're in a hurry, that's fine'
and end it there.

And,
if you conclude that you are a person who gets disliked,
you don't have to verify what happened.
That is quicker for the brain.

However, if you keep repeating this,
you will never understand
what happened between you and others.

Even if trouble occurs,
you won't know what the cause was.
Therefore, you won't know how to deal with it next time,
or how you should interact.
Everything becomes an action based on guesswork.

Your experience level never improves.

It is like always choosing 'Run' in Dragon Quest
even when you encounter a monster.
It is like always choosing 'Run'.

And, when you interact with people,
trouble happens for reasons you don't understand,
you have no idea how to deal with it,
and a world where you don't know what will happen is scary.

I make people angry.
I make people uncomfortable.
For some reason, I am disliked.

Labels like that about yourself gradually increase,
their adhesive strength keeps increasing,
they become powerful, and you can no longer peel them off yourself.

It is too sad.

Above all, it is incredibly unkind to yourself.

Guess.
Remove.
Apologize.

Nothing has been solved.

I was originally a child who would ask questions about anything
that felt unclear or ambiguous,
but

I learned during the growth process that the style of asking questions
was considered heretical in school society and organizations.

Because I was a child,
my questions were direct,
I would get the timing wrong,
and since I often deviated from the definition of cooperativeness,
at some point, I ended up sealing away that personality.

Guess without asking.
In Japan, there are customs where things like 'unspoken understanding'
or not asking questions are somehow portrayed as beautiful or noble.

Having completely succumbed to that,
I ended up having a very hard time when I entered society.

This assumption became a
very troublesome shackle when it came to working.

In particular, when the flow of things led to me becoming independent and
starting my own business,
it appeared as a real problem.

It also showed up directly in my work decisions.
Just by being asked a small question by a client, I would think:
Maybe they aren't satisfied.
Maybe they think it's too expensive.
Maybe they'll cut me off if things stay like this.
Thinking that, I would lower my prices without even being asked.
I would add revisions that weren't requested.
I would withdraw my proposals before even confirming the other party's needs.

I must make sure I am not disliked.
I must not make them feel uncomfortable.

I don't know why, but
every time someone took any action toward me,
I linked it to my own shortcomings,
so my blood pressure would rise each time,
and it would even extend to denying my own existence.

No wonder I didn't want to interact with people.
Because every time I interacted, my hit points would decrease
and I would get hurt for no reason.

First, verify the facts.
Are you turning colorless, transparent events
into mysterious storylines based on your own assumptions?

Thinking a simple question is an interrogation,
thinking a mere inquiry is a complaint,
thinking emotions directed elsewhere
were directed at you.

Are your own assumptions, self-denial, and guilt
making you apologize for no reason?

You, who unconsciously say 'I'm sorry.' Without realizing it, you might be making yourself into 'someone who is disliked'.

But that is not really because you are a person who is disliked.
You may have just kept adopting events you labeled as 'being disliked' without confirming them as evidence.

~Notice~

It is hard to notice on your own.
Your own norms and common sense
might be acting as bugs that are stalling your future.
I am conducting sessions to find and reconstruct such bugs.
These sessions combine these three C elements.
I will write about the details again later.

Core:
A process of diving deep like a mole to find the 'bugs' in your subconscious and the 'eggshells' that have been protecting you.

Clear:
A process of unraveling the bugs you found from a neutral perspective and regaining optimal sensations.

Create:
A process of refining the extracted true feelings into a form that works in society and building your own 'instruction manual'.