17. I couldn't see the end
There were times when I couldn't get the money together by the repayment deadline.
At such times, I would get a call from the consumer finance company.
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The representative on the other end of the line was very polite.
"When do you think you might be able to make the payment?"
That was the tone they used when speaking to me.
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Honestly, I had imagined something much scarier.
Like the loan shark collections you see on TV.
Being yelled at.
Being threatened.
I had formed that image on my own.
But in reality, it was different.
The other party was a proper company.
They spoke to me using polite language.
They listened to what I had to say.
If I explained my situation, they would sometimes extend the repayment date a little.
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Of course, there was a trade-off for that.
If the repayment was delayed, late fees would be added accordingly.
That was only natural.
Because I was the one who hadn't kept my promise.
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I kept paying it back.
Every month, little by little.
I was making repayments.
But, strangely enough, it didn't feel like the balance was going down.
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I couldn't see the end.
That was the feeling I had.
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The debt was painful.
Every time the repayment date approached, my mood would grow heavy.
Even when payday came, I couldn't be happy.
All that was on my mind was repayment.
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I thought about it many times.
"Why did I borrow it?"
"If only I had held back at that time."
There was nothing but regret.
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In the end, I think I was just bad at managing money.
It had been that way for a long time.
If I had money on hand, I would spend it.
Without thinking about the future, I would prioritize my desire for things at that moment.
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When I was a child, I even thought about keeping a pocket money ledger.
I tried many times.
But it never lasted long.
I would try hard for just a page or two,
and the rest would be blank.
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"That's just my personality."
Back then, I was making that excuse somewhere inside.
But now I understand.
It wasn't that I couldn't help it because of my personality,
I just didn't try to change, using my personality as an excuse.
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Debt doesn't end with just borrowing money.
It chips away at your hope little by little,
steals your confidence little by little,
and changes even your way of thinking little by little.
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The me from back then,
perhaps more than the repayment amount,
"I can't change anyway."
I might have been starting to be dominated by that feeling.