Finding a Hospital Part 4. Second Opinion with Dr. T / Breast Cancer Diary #9

June 13, 2024. The day of my second opinion appointment at the Breast and Endocrine Surgery department of T Hospital. The counseling room was located in an area separate from the examination areas on each ward floor, not adjacent to any other department.

Wanting to ask everything I could within the 30 minutes, I had listed out what I wanted to ask (treatment policy, medications to be used, treatment schedule, etc.) by the day before.
Clutching my notebook and the file containing the test documents from the hospitals I had visited so far, I waited for the doctor.
The person who appeared was a sophisticated-looking female doctor named Dr. T. She might have been around my age.

The first thing the doctor said after sitting down was,

"Ms. Sono, you came here all by yourself to seek a second opinion. I get the impression that you have lived your life taking responsibility for yourself in this way until now."

Those were her words.
I was struck by her unexpected words.

For the first time since being diagnosed with breast cancer, tears spilled out in front of someone else.

The tension I had been holding onto for so long suddenly melted away.

I had been blaming my past lifestyle, wondering if this or that had been wrong, and I had been desperate to find some kind of solution.

For some reason, I suddenly remembered myself at 18. When I moved to Tokyo for university, I was naive and couldn't do anything, so I felt I had to work twice as hard as others, keeping my guard up as I ran through life. Always, always. There were times when I felt like I was living while whipping and dragging my own body and mind, enduring dizzying changes that made me wonder whose life I was even living.

And then, I, who had lived like that, ended up with a major illness called cancer.
A disease with a very terrifying ring to it.

Cancer felt like something that happened to other peopleIt was also the moment I felt my own vulnerability, having reached this point while carrying breast cancer in my body, raising children, and working, all while feeling my way through the dark.

"Breast cancer is not your fault. We live in an era where about 1 in 9 Japanese women will develop breast cancer. So please, do not blame yourself."

That is what the doctor said. Her words felt like they were validating my entire life up to this point.

This day remains a treasure to me, and even now, it makes my heart swell with emotion.
The illness is merely one piece of information in the history of my life.