I want to write, but I get sleepy at night
I'm thinking about it all day while I'm at work.
What kind of article should I write today?
If I put these feelings into a note, will they reach someone?
I want to write even better sentences next time.
I keep thinking about things like that in the back of my mind.
But once I get home, reality hits in an instant.
Dinner.
Bath time with my son.
Putting him to bed.
And then I realize.
I'm incredibly sleepy, too.
I open my phone, and
a few minutes after thinking, 'Alright, I'm going to write,' my eyelids are already heavy.
If it were the old me,
I would have blamed myself, saying,
'I didn't get anything done again today,' or 'That's why I can't keep it up.'
I think I would have criticized myself like that.
But recently, my way of thinking has changed a little.
Maybe just continuing to think 'I want to do this' means I'm moving forward.
If it were something I wasn't truly interested in, I wouldn't be thinking about it while at work.
It pops into my head even when I'm tired.
It's on my mind even when I don't have time.
Even when I'm sleepy, the desire to 'write' doesn't disappear.
I think that means it's already something important to me.
The current me doesn't have free time like I did when I was single.
I became a father, changed how I work, and
the center of my life is no longer 'myself'.
But there are things I've gained in return.
The time I spend in the bath with my son.
The weight of him in my arms as I put him to sleep.
The days where I'm called 'Papa'.
The sleepiness that remains after finishing it all
might not be proof that I'm slacking off, but proof that I truly lived today.
That's why I've been thinking lately.
It's okay if I can't do my best perfectly every day.
Even if I can't write ten articles,
maybe I just jotted down a title today,
or wrote just one line,
it's okay to have days like that.
I think that's probably what it means to keep going.
Even on nights when I get sleepy,
as long as I can still think, 'I want to write again,'
it's surely not over yet.