That Lumpy, Unidentified Thing Inside My Heart [The Tones of 7 Poems]

1 OneHeart and Body as One

That thing grows large and
shrinks down

When it is small
it is almost invisible
but it certainly seems to exist

When it grows large
the moment I confirm its existence
it swells in an instant and
expands

Even if I try to run away from it
it seems that is no use
it seems it needs
the kindness of being embraced

Even so
because I am here, it is here
and only because it is here can I be me

♩

2 TwoA

When I fall in love
that thing hides away
cleanly and completely somewhere else

But in the nights alone
between loves
that thing comes along

It seems you are all alone
so I have come to be with you
is that what it is saying?

Perhaps a night spent holding that thing
is not so bad
than being all alone
by far

♩

3 Scattered

While listening to the gritty tone of a guitar
that thing scattered away
even though it should have been lumpy
it floated up high into the sky

At that moment
I felt a gentle emotion

♩

4　Signal

It seems that lumpy thing has a nature of starting to make a racket if left alone.

Even so, I always forget its existence right away, so it's usual for it to be screaming and shouting by the time I notice.

It's already too late once it gets to that point,
but I wouldn't notice it otherwise.

Even so, if I keep pretending not to see it,
it becomes heavy and I can no longer move.

Before it's too late,
even if it's just a little bit at a time,
I want to notice it.

♩

5　Parity

If I try to win against it,
it overpowers me with even greater force.

Since it holds the initiative
even before the contest begins,
it is always in the superior position.

That is why I give up on the contest.
I do not try to win against it.
Only by giving up on the contest
can I face it on equal terms.

♩

6　Fortune

The true identity of that someone
might be a good fellow
letting me know my 'true feelings'.

What I actually wanted to do.

The small feelings I didn't notice,
the ones that never came true,

as time goes by,
grow little by little,
and turn into that lumpy someone.

What is that someone trying to tell me?
Let's learn my true feelings from that someone.

♩

7 Seven Colors of Brilliance

Am I the only one
who carries that someone?

That lumpy someone
at times
in the depths of my heart,
at the edges of my heart,
or in the center of my heart,
sits enthroned as if they own the place.

Because of that someone,
I become filled with anxiety,
or get struck by waves of melancholy,
but

perhaps because of that someone,
the clarity of the vast sky,
the sparkle of responding melodies,
and the fragrance carried by the wind
can be felt
so deeply
that they soak into my heart.

That is why I don't dislike that someone.
In fact, I am glad that they are there.

It seems

the time for goodbye has come.
The moment I thought I was glad they were there,
that someone
turned away and left,
without even saying goodbye.

Surely,
all this time,
they must have been protecting my heart.

I finally realized that.
Thank you.
Goodbye.

♩

0 Epilogue

The name of that lumpy, unidentified thing
inside my heart is
called "despair"

Will it come again someday?
Perhaps I will dance with it along with my tears then