What is my true wish? If I were like this in a year.

There was a project to make a wish for Tanabata, so I just wrote down what came to mind.

Of course, the things I wrote here are also things I want to come true.

But, I wonder if I don't actually wish for anything that ambitious.

My wish, when I get down to it, is
“I want to be happy”
……which is, again, quite vague.

Let me dig a little deeper.

The definition of happiness is different for everyone.
If it were the old me,
I would have thought,
“I want to get married, raise children, and have a happy family.”

Of course, I don't think that's wrong even now.

In reality, when I see people around me getting married and raising children, they look happy, and sometimes that is so dazzling that an ugly darkness emerges within me.

However, I'm sure that for me,
even if it's marriage,
it wouldn't work unless I thought,
“I want to spend my whole life with this person,”
and even if I were to raise children,
reasons like “because everyone else is doing it”
would of course be disrespectful to the children as well.

In the end, I didn't have a clear vision.
Because it's not just anyone. I realized that because I was doing marriage hunting in my own way? Seriously.
It's meaningless unless it's not just a “good person” but a “compatible person.”
It might be said that my standards are high, but if I can choose the person I spend my time with, I want to choose.
(At least I think that's possible in Japan)

I'm over 30 and not married, and I have no children.
The criticism from society is still strong.
I think I felt a strong sense of being left behind, as if I had been abandoned by society.
That was my fixed idea at the time.

Even if marriage and childbirth are difficult, I have to do everything else the same as everyone else.


I was impatient every day. I was desperate. I was putting on a front.
But, in the end, I couldn't do it. I was always spinning my wheels.

“You're strange.”

Now, I might call it individuality.
Back then, I felt like I was being slightly discriminated against.

Before I knew it, I had become someone who was slightly outside of society.

The human relationships I had desperately built in my own way were also fake.
One by one, they left.
While I was unilaterally being pelted with only what they wanted to say.

Even so, there were undoubtedly people who accepted me and said,
“I like you,”


and there were people who stayed by my side.
I thought,
“It's painful to live for many years.”
In most cases, it's because I feel lonely.
“I am not needed by anyone.”
That thought was always there.
That might be why I had an even stronger desire to get married or have children.
Being alone is fine, but being lonely is scary.

It's quite contradictory.
I still can't wipe away that feeling, but recently I've felt lonely less often than before.

By seeking love from others too much, saying “someone, someone…”
my lack of self-love was severe.
I hate myself, but I want you to love me and like me. What a strange story.
But, there is no doubt that I have always had those feelings.

Little by little, I might have become able to accept myself.

I experienced that the things I took for granted in my daily life were not actually guaranteed.
That was during my leave of absence.
Literally, I couldn't do “anything.” I was just living.

But, I was able to honestly think that it was okay even like that.

From there, something definitely changed within me.

I don't have to think about such difficult things.

What is happiness?

The answer is surely simple.

I'm glad I lived through today.
I'm glad I could be myself.

I'm glad I met that person!
I'm glad that person was well today, too.
The food was delicious!

These might be trivial things, but I want to have days overflowing with joy.

That is what I want a year from now,

no, until the end of my life.

If I could always feel that way.

Surely, there is happiness even now.

But I still can't see it clearly, and I don't know.

This year,
I want to feel many moments where I can experience happiness.

That is surely my wish right now.

And I call out to myself.

It's okay for me to be even happier.

I am participating in Kotoba-san's project.
Thank you very much for this opportunity.🙏✨
Please excuse my follow-up post.

It seems anyone can participate, so please do.

If you say it out loud, it will come true.
Let's make our wishes come true together.✨✨

Thank you for reading.😊
Your likes make me very happy and encourage me.

You can read about my time on leave here.