Embracing the fear of April 1st [Project Participation]

April 1st.

What will happen?
I'm excited for the new fiscal year, I'll turn over a new leaf and do my best.
There was a time when I could think so positively.

But now, I'm quite scared.

It's been 22 years since I became a working adult.

Part of it is that my current situation isn't very good.

I hope things head in a good direction.

On the other hand,
what if things get even worse?
That feeling is stronger.

Tomorrow, I face a job transfer.

The reason is that for the past few years, I've pinned my hopes on April 1st and failed every time.

I have to get used to the new workplace quickly.
I want to meet expectations.
I want to be liked. I don't want to be hated.
I think I was just desperate.
I would put a lid on my negative feelings, saying 'No, that's not allowed!'
I was always attentive to those around me, smiling, never forgetting to smile. There were days I didn't want to smile. There were days I wanted to cry.

Before I knew it, I had left myself behind somewhere.
I tried to create an ideal version of myself.


As a result, I weakened my heart until it was limp. Sometimes I took long breaks. I reached my limit and couldn't move.

Things I think about now.

It's not worth doing if it means throwing yourself away.
That goes for work, and school too.

There were times I didn't want to go to school, either.
But back then, the option of not going didn't exist.
I couldn't say it. I didn't want to make my parents angry or worried.
It wasn't the studying itself I hated, but the classroom.
I couldn't talk to my classmates anymore.
Times like recess or lunch. I was in the infirmary all the time. The teacher didn't say anything, just accepted me, and I felt relieved.

It just didn't fit. Thinking about it now, that's probably all it was.

To use an analogy, it's like planting a seed, but the soil or the water isn't right, so it doesn't sprout.
Even so, I was trying hard to sprout.

It's not like I can't live if I'm not here.

You don't have to try so hard.

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.
It's okay to run away. Running away is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you're scared, it's okay to be scared. You don't have to hide it.

For now, take a step, or even half a step forward.
If you can't move after that, you can just go back.
First, let's praise yourself for being able to move.

Remembering the past still makes me feel painful sometimes.

But that's not now.
I am who I am today because of who I was back then.
There were definitely lessons learned.

What's important is what I want to do from here on out.

I think I'll be full of things I can't do.
I might get impatient so as not to fall behind those around me.

It's okay if I can't do anything. First, just get used to it.

In a new environment, say good morning.

If you can do just that, it's a perfect score.

It sounds like such a simple thing, something you'd take for granted, but there are times when you can't do it. There were.

I want to increase what I can do one step at a time like that.

Don't forget the things and places where you feel safe, too.

It's okay, there isn't just one path.

It's also okay to peek into a new world, just a little bit.

Going into an unknown world.
I still find it incredibly scary.
Even after decades, I don't get used to it.
There were times I bullied myself, wondering, 'Is something wrong with me?' My backward-looking self.
But I felt relieved when I learned that it's also proof of being normal. It's an instinctual thing necessary for living as a human. Being scared and running away is to protect yourself.

I want to cherish that.
It's okay to put yourself first.

I'm stopping giving 100% effort.

Giving 30 to 50 percent effort is fine.
From there, I'll build up my strength little by little, slowly.

If you're tired, it's okay to rest. Let's rest.

Just you being alive is enough.
There are many people who can be happy just because of that.


To you, who is just as scared as my future self.
I want to send this.

I am participating in Mitoshi-san's project.
Thank you very much!

I would be happy if this makes you feel even a little bit like you're not alone.