[Project Participation] Trying to loosen my shackles a little

I was desperately starving for love.

I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be liked.

I didn't want to be disliked.

To be liked, I had to be a 'good person'.

If I treat others well, they will treat me well.

Before I knew it, those thoughts began to control me.
I felt it clearly when I started living alone.

Back then, I had no self-love, let alone self-esteem. I had no choice but to cling to others.

I was always thinking about how others felt, trying to please them.
Always staying one step ahead.

Thinking back, I treated others quite carefully.
That's not me being conceited; others even acknowledged it.

However, I was pushing myself way too hard.
I would read the room, take the initiative, and was always running around.
Self-sacrifice might be the right word for it.

If that were what I wanted to do, there would be no problem.

But at the root of it all was

If I take action,
I want to be seen as a good person. I want to be liked.

I'm glad you're here.
I wanted to be told that.
I wanted to be needed.

Just those kinds of feelings.
My ulterior motives were laid bare.

I swallowed my own sinister feelings and constantly denied that side of myself.

But eventually, I reached my limit.

In the end, I didn't become a 'good person',
I was just a 'convenient person'.
A handyman.

The fake me.
It was painful.

I decided to stop, and revealed my true self.
I shared my honest feelings little by little.

I suppose they had some kind of expectations of me after all.

I must have failed to meet expectations and disappointed them.

People left one after another.

Sometimes, I was unilaterally thrown harsh words, accused of 'treating them poorly.'
Even though they had been smiling just a moment before.
I believed we had a good relationship.
I wanted to believe it.

In the end, what was I to them?

I was just convenient to have around.
I was someone who could be replaced.

I became afraid of interacting with people.
Both online and offline.

Several years have passed since then.

I chose note as a tool to express myself.

What I decided when I started note.

・Write only for myself, not for anyone else.
・Do not let acquaintances see it.

I even thought it would be fine to have zero followers and followings.

Even so, I would leave 'like' reactions for people I was interested in. This was enough for me.

Of course, I had a desire to interact, but I didn't want to get hurt anymore.

At that time, I took a leave of absence from work.

Now, I don't have to worry about anyone.
I don't care what they think of me.

I poured all my thoughts into note.

Then, strangely enough, people appeared who read my posts and reached out to me.

I haven't written anything meaningful or useful at all.
I also stopped trying to make myself look good.
Or rather, I didn't have the mental capacity for that anymore.

Still, they were there.

Someone who sees me.

They were there after all.

And then, another few years passed.

I think I might finally be starting to accept myself, little by little.

I've started to relax my shoulders, thinking that maybe it's okay to just be as I am.

Expecting others to act a certain way is nothing more than my own mere wish.

Because I learned that there are things you simply cannot change through effort alone.

There are things in this world that no matter how hard you try, you cannot change. It's painful to admit, though.

If that's the case, I have no choice but to search for a path that I can change.

Sometimes it's okay not to try so hard.
It's okay to rest.

Once I was able to think that way, life became much easier to live.

Maybe I'm not so bad as I am right now?
That's what I think.

I'm happy that I can think that way.

I am participating in this project.

The content is a bit heavy, so I worried a lot about writing it, but in the end, I couldn't beat the part of me that wanted to talk about myself.

Thank you for the opportunity and the courage.
I will continue to share my story!

#TalkingAboutMyselfIsFun