[Essay] A Gaze Toward the Lonely

Since there are only a few days left until the deadline, I
wanted to write one last piece
for the Creative Awards.

Should I write an essay?
Or a novel?
I was struggling with the decision, so I asked a close friend for
advice. And then,

"Sachi, you often write about loneliness, so why don't you write an essay on the theme of loneliness?"

they said.

I hadn't realized it...

I had been writing about lonely people.
But come to think of it, perhaps I myself have always been
"lonely"
as well.

When people say "loneliness," I think the image that comes to mind
is being all by yourself with no one around.

But for me, it was different.
There was always someone around me.

That is why it is more accurate to say that I have always
"carried loneliness with me through life."

I try to get along well with others.

Smiling as best I could in my own clumsy way, adjusting to others
trying as hard as I could not to make waves.

That is why there was a time when I was
very exhausted by being with people.

But I was not strong enough
to carry loneliness and stand on my own.

So I sought people out again.

Wanting to be apart, wanting to be close.

I kept repeating that cycle.

Perhaps that is why
I can understand the feelings of lonely people
just a little bit.

The image of loneliness is inevitably dark.

And so, I dislike that image as well.

But I feel like I am always
side-by-side with it regardless.

Born as the eldest daughter,
I was raised to be a responsible older sister...

...or so it seemed.

If anything, my younger sister was the more responsible one,
and I grew up quite free-spirited.

Since I was a child, I was surrounded by
friends and family.

It's just that I was always a child who thought about things alone.

When I was with others,
I tried not to be noticed,
and went along with them.
The more I tried to fit in,
the deeper my loneliness became.

Before I knew it, I didn't know
where I was anymore.

And yet,
I couldn't stop doing it.
No matter what,
I didn't want to be alone with my loneliness.

I thought I had managed elementary and junior high school well.

By the time I reached high school,
I could no longer keep up the facade.

Unable to fit in,
I came to hate going to school.

Even at that time,
it wasn't that I had no friends.

But for some reason, I chose loneliness.

Even I thought this feeling
was just 'laziness'.

But perhaps, thinking about it now,
that might have been wrong.

I had been struggling with something
that I couldn't even name.

My days were like walking
through an invisible fog.

I didn't even know if I was moving forward
or standing still.

That is why I felt lonely.

Those teenage years were somehow listless,
and I couldn't devote myself to anything.

From my teens through my twenties,
I tried to face romantic relationships,
but it felt somewhat similar to friendship.

Being together was sometimes fun,
but I always felt unfulfilled somewhere.

Was this just me?
Even now, when I think back on those days,
I still don't really understand.

Back then, I was who I was,
and I think it was painful
to always be carrying those heavy feelings.

However, somewhere,
if only I could have met my forty-year-old self a little sooner...
perhaps I could have spent my younger years
a bit more happily.
That is what I think.

Even now, because I still think about loneliness,
I end up depicting loneliness somewhere.

Because I know it,
my gaze turns toward those who are lonely.

I see myself in them somewhere,
and I place words of salvation there.

Perhaps in that way,
I am saving myself with my own words.

I believe that this loneliness
is something only I can save.

By drawing closer to someone,
by being accepted,
and by repeating that process,
perhaps one day,
I might be able to emerge from this 'loneliness'.

Now, I have been saved by many things,
and I have come to be able to find
my own words and ways of thinking.

Is my forties too late?
Because I am not yet perfect,
I may continue to deal with
loneliness for a long time to come.

Loneliness is much like rain.

If you try to force it away,
you only end up getting wetter.

So now, I have learned to walk
while holding an umbrella.
There are days when it rains.
There are days when it is sunny.
I walk while accepting both.

Loneliness may not be something
that only special people experience.
Even if the form is different, it may be something
everyone carries somewhere within them.

That is why I write again today.

For someone who is lonely.

Even while thinking that,
perhaps the one I want to save most
is myself.